


Because of You

by Teemeah



Category: Jrock, X JAPAN, Yoshiki - Fandom
Genre: Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, F/M, Gen, Light Angst, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Sex, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2018-11-06 01:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 32,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11026050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teemeah/pseuds/Teemeah
Summary: X Japan's Yoshiki faces the greatest turmoil of his life on multiple levels, that may result in losing himself forever - or a redemption he never expected.-----The night air was hot and humid, and the wind gently tore at the white curtains as Yoshiki awoke. 3:46 am. The red blinking numbers on his clock painfully reminded him that his insomnia was still very much incurable. For the past 40 years, since his father's death, he had been unable to sleep through even one night. He covered his face with one arm, trying to concentrate on breathing deeply, as the doctor suggested. To no avail, the night breeze had already woken him completely. He rose from the black satin bedsheets and groaned. Tonight, again, he saw Hide in his dream.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the characters, this is pure fiction. Some mild romance happening, sex may occur, but the focus is on Yoshiki's inner struggling. This fic is posted elsewhere as well, by me.

Hide was sitting cross-legged at the table, a cigarette in one hand, silently watching as Yoshiki, sitting next to him on the couch, bent over a stack of scores, furiously jotting down notes, crossing them, rewriting, scrapping and starting over a hundred times, his legs restlessly moving to beats only he heard. It was not unusual for him to just get lost in the music in his head when he was scoring, and not pay attention to anything - or anyone for that matter. This was their regular studio downtown, a safe haven, and they were practicing for the upcoming Tokyo Dome gig. It was lunchbreak, and everyone already finished their meal, drinking beer or smoking, with Pata dozing off as usual. Only one person didn't eat. Again.  
  
"Hey," Hide pouted at Yoshiki, but he didn't bother to look up. Hide stubbed out his cigarette and poked the drummer with one finger. He received Yoshiki's signature annoyed glance, followed by a graceful, if a tad arrogant flip of his hand signalling him to fuck off.  
  
"That curry is ice cold already. Not gonna eat?"  
  
No answer came, just the violent sound of graphite scraping on paper. Anything Yoshiki did had a sense of graceful violence to it. Hide sighed and motioned to Toshi to come over and whispered something into his ear. Toshi nodded with a grin and then Hide, fast as lightning, pulled the stack of scores from under Yoshiki's hands and shoved it into still eagerly grinning Toshi's, who turned around and ran for his dear life, long pink hair floating in the air. The screetching scream that left Yoshiki's throat shook Pata awake and Heath, reading a manga, almost choked on his beer. Yoshiki looked delicate and fragile on the outside but all of them knew that once provoked, those fragile qualities could soon turn into something rather frightening. You didn't want to mess with the leader. Unless you were as unfazed, as Hide was, that is. Pata went back to peaceful napping; if anyone could control their leader's violent outbursts, it was Hide. And just so, before Yoshiki could have launched himself after Toshi, the best runner on the team, Hide's arms were already around his waist and pushed him back onto the couch. Long, blond locks flew furiously everywhere as Yoshiki turned around shouting.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing? I have to finish this fucking song!"  
  
"Sure thing. You will. After you finished that bowl,", Hide pointed at the cold curry.  
  
"Fuck you," was all he got as a reply, as Yoshiki rose to get his scores back from Toshi, who went to hide the sheets upon Hide's instructions. Hide pulled him back, gently, but with enough physical force to restrain him.  
  
"Look, you didn't eat anything all day. And yesterday, and the day before. If you get sick right before the year-end live, what are we going to do? If you want to starve, by all means, I don't give a flying shit, but do it AFTER the fucking live. OK?"  
  
Hide never shouted. That was always the scariest. He remained painfully calm and looked like a goddamn angel, with his red hair, beautiful face, and honey-balmed voice. And he was fucking smiling like a kindergarten nanny, pouting at Yoshiki's childish antics as he always did. Yoshiki felt like he could have strangled his lead guitarist, but at the same time, he was not stupid. The message got through, he repressed a gruntle and visibly upset, reached out for the rice bowl. With dramatic, larger-than-life movements, he picked up his chopsticks and flipping his hair behind his shoulders, he took one bite of the curry rice, and then put his bowl down.  
  
"Nah, nah", Hide smiled like a glorified angel, lighting another cigarette. All of them were chain smokers. "All of it".  
  
Heath smirked under his invisible moustache and kept on sipping his beer. Pata's head slipped onto his shoulder and he gently pushed his curly head back. The guitarist gave a loud snort, then curled up on the other side of the couch. Yoshiki flashed an angry I-will-kill-you glance at Hide and quickly shoved the food down. Once the last bite was over, he put the bowl down, as loudly as it was possible.  
  
"Good boy," Hide patted his back, and it took a long, deep sigh for Yoshiki not to aim at scraping Hide's eyes out.  
"I don't know what you'd do if I were not here, huh? You'd probably starve to death if I didn't feed you", Hide smiled cheekily, with an eyebrow raised and stuck his tongue out at him. Suddenly all of Yoshiki's fury was gone. He could never seriously be angry with Hide. Not when he was being cheeky.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
Hide smirked, "I love you too, Yo-chan."  
  
That moment, Toshi returned with the scores, only to have Yoshiki immediately launch at him, pulling at his hair. Hide laughed out loud.

* * *

  
The night air was hot and humid, and the wind gently tore at the white curtains as Yoshiki awoke. 3:46 am. The red blinking numbers on his clock painfully reminded him that his insomnia was still very much incurable. For the past 40 years, since his father's death, he had been unable to sleep through even one night. He covered his face with one arm, trying to concentrate on breathing deeply, as the doctor suggested. To no avail, the night breeze had already woken him completely. He rose from the black satin bedsheets and groaned. Tonight, again, he saw Hide in his dream.   
  
For the past few months, past memories visited him every single time he managed to fall asleep, usually centered around Hide. What kind of message is his dead friend trying to convey to him through these images? He desperately tried to understand, to grasp the meaning behind these fiction infused memories. Hide often forced him to eat, when he was concentrating on work, it was like he fell under a spell, forgetting about earthly things like food. And Hide always took care of everyone, like a good mother. But that scene, where Hide took his notes and Toshi ran away with them, never happened. The other day he was standing at Hide's grave in his dream. It was raining really hard, washing away flowers placed on the tombstone, and Hide's photo, standing in the middle, flipped over, the sky darkened, the wind started screaming in his ears and he fell into darkness. That night he woke drenched in sweat. Just the day before, he dreamt of a little boy cheerfully riding a swing, it was a sunny day, with bright sunrays seeping through cherry blossom branches, and Hide was standing a few feet away, leaning against the cherry tree, smiling beautifully, happily watching the child. What is all this? Why now?   
  
After Hide died, for years, he had frightening nightmares and it took him several psyhologists and quite a bit of medication to finally stop those dreams and subdue the urge of following Hide. Why now? Nothing happened in his life that would justify these dreams, psychologically. X Japan was touring, the new album was out and successful, he had several projects going, he was living well. Lonely, as ever, but that was nothing new. He'd been lonely since the moment he was born. He got used to it.   
  
Why was Hide visiting his dreams every night now?


	2. Chapter 2

Yoshiki felt like his head was about to split in two, he took his pills and massaged the bridge of his nose. The tour was about to start and their usual tour manager assigned by the tour company they employed, resigned last minute.  
  
"What do you mean all of your experienced tour staff are unavailable? This is not what we are paying for!", he said with dismay, as he turned around to face the phone set on conference call.  
  
"I understand, but this really came all of a sudden. We can still provide you with a tour manager. Ms Bright has significant experience, just not an a worldwide tour, however..."  
  
"Look, I need someone who is capable to lead a complete entourage to over 30 cities in 4 continents," Yoshiki interrupted the caller impatiently, "You can't just send over someone who has no prior experience in this. Do you understand how incredibly important this tour is? Now where do I get a proper tour manager in less than a week's time?", he was almost shouting. Viktoria, his assistant immediately handed him a bottle of cold water but he dismissed her with a wave of his hand and she silently left the room, leaving him alone with the caller on the other end of the line.  
  
"Yoshiki, we have known each other for a long time. You know I would never do this if I didn't think she was capable. She took 30 Seconds to Mars on an all around US tour this spring, with zero issues. Zero. Can you please trust my judgement of my colleagues? She will arrive to your headquarters in about an hour, let her get familiar with the situation, the tour details and meet your tour staff. If you are still not satisfied with my choice, we will fully compensate your company for whatever amount your lawyers set as damage fee."  
  
Yoshiki fell silent for a moment, contemplating on what he just heard. Did Jin really trust this manager so much as to basically offer him a blank cheque in case he is not satisfied? "Can you give this statement in writing?", he asked on a much lower voice now, and Jin Takahashi, the president of one of the largest entertainment services company in the world laughed out loud. "You'll never change, Yo-chan, right? Sure, I will send it over in email in about an hour, and you'll get the original by DHL this afternoon. Deal?"  
  
Yoshiki leaned back in his leather chair and closed his eyes. She better be as good as Jin thinks she is.

* * *

  
Jess parked in front of Extasy Records and heaved a deep sigh. What Jin told her about Yoshiki Hayashi sounded like she was in for a real celebrity showoff, big time. Having worked in the industry for a decade now, she had seen all sorts of celebrities, outragous behaviours and having a sassy celeb as a boss was nothing new to her. Yet, she somehow felt uncomfortable. When Jin told her he needed her to urgently take over the world tour for a Japanese rock band, she was kind of intrigued, and fascinated. This was a great opportunity for her to enlarge her scope and learn more. Of course, the first step is aéways to check the band out, learn about band history, dynamics, roles and previous tour data. She did her homework, and she also kind of liked this type of music they were doing. She analyzed interviews, and during her 2 hour drive from Santa Barbara, she listened to podcasts. You need to know whom you are dealing with. She was impressed with the records, but also worried about Hayashi. He didn't seem like an easy business partner to work with.  
  
As she was waiting at the reception for the young, blonde, heavily Russian accented model like girl to announce her arrival to the boss on the phone, she was wondering just how this girl got the job. She could have been something like 21 or 22, and the last thing she could imagine of her was experience in office management. Another of Mr Hayashi's assistants, a very young, tall, thin Slavic girl finally appeared and without any trace of a friendly smile, told her drily to follow her to the CEO office. She was wearing 5" heels and a mini skirt. He must have a thing for Slavic models, she concluded, following the girl, whose raven black hair reached below her skinny butt.  _She must be an awesome assistant, that's a given._  
  
When she entered the office, Yoshiki was still sitting at his table, visibly buried into a Macbook, and didn't even look up when Assistant Number 2 introduced her and then turned around in her 5" stilettos and tiptoed out of the office. For a few seconds, only the sound of keyboard clamping could be heard. Jess cleared her throat and he finally looked up. His eyes narrowed as he examined her from head to toe and then his hair flowed to one shoulder as he tilted his head. Jess' eyebrows slid up.  _Dude, I'm not a monkey attraction in a zoo!_  
  
"Hi! I'm Jess Bright, your new tour manager," she offered her hand in advance firmly. Finally he stood up, and shook her hand. His grasp was surprisingly soft and gentle, and his hand incredibly cold.  
  
"Nice to meet you. Yoshiki Hayashi. Please take a seat", he said, motioning to the couch nearby. His voice almost sounded like veiled whisper, she had to lean in to hear it. He smiled, and to her surprise, when they sat down on the white leather couch, he sat very near, not opposite her, like most clients do. He silently offered her a drink from the coffee table but she politely refused.  
  
"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. You see, there are a lot of last minute arranegements for the tour", he apologised smiling and Jess finally had some time to examine his face while he poured himself a glass of very expensive mineral water. He looked delicate and fragile, almost too young for his age, and incredibly white skinned. He smelled like sunshine on a green summer meadow, incredibly... magnetic. So that's why people call him a vampire, she nodded to herself. He certainly had that kind of eerie pulling force. She felt a sudden cold shiver running through her spine. He didn't seem to notice his effect on others, or pretended not to, as he turned to her flipping his hair gracefully like in a L'Oreal shampoo ad, sweeping more of his perfume towards her.  _Theatrics, 10 points._  
  
"I will be honest with you. I know Jin trusts you, and he has long been a reliable partner, but", he sighed dramatically, like an Oscar winning actor, "I need to be convinced", he glanced at her and Jess suddenly thought of the two assistants. She hoped he didn't mean  _that_  kind of convincing.  
  
"I understand your frustration with this situation. It's not easy to hand over such a large scale production to someone you have never worked with. That's why I am here today. If you agree, we can start preparations, and you can judge my work yourself. I don't want to offer meaningless words, instead I will show you how I work."  
  
She sounded very confident - and was very confident in herself, but his face was unreadable, not a single muscle moved. Finally, after a few seconds, that seemed like extremely long units of time, he nodded, with a half smile.  
  
"You will report directly to me. I supervise the whole of the tour myself."  
  
Somehow, she was not surprised. Most celebrities would leave everything beyond creative work to employed professionals, but Jin told her in advance, that she should expect Yoshiki to be the contrary. Despite his eerie elegance, lavish clothes and glorious movements, his business sense was no joke. And he was also the type who liked to control his environment. This was apparent from the first moment she stepped in the office. All books neatly arranged in alphabetic order - and by color, the expensive but stylish furniture perfectly matched its owner, who deliberately let her wait and initiate the first handshake, so she would know who the boss is around here. Neat freak, control freak, and probably a narcissist. Jess smiled back at him. This will probably be her most difficult assignment ever.


	3. Chapter 3

Her meticulous ways of working and attention to small details quickly won the staff over. In less than a week, she was already familiar with everyone, knew everyone by name, and contacted all promoters in every city. Instead of a laptop, she preferred using a tablet, that she could easily carry anywhere, and had all files neatly organized. She was always two steps ahead of everyone, and even dry Viktoria threw her a half smile on the 3rd day, when she asked the assistant if she wanted a cup of coffee. She bet it was not often anyone offered her a coffee in this office. She would sometimes join the band in the studio, where they were practicing, but they were always distant. That was nothing new, artists usually needed a longer time to trust anyone enough to let them a step closer. She remained polite and kept her distance. Every night, exactly at 8 pm, she sent her report over to Yoshiki about her daily accomplishments, but she never received a reply, not even a thank you. On the upside, he didn't criticize her, either. That was actually strange, she expected him to nitpick on every move, but there was nothing. He greeted her politely, with a shy smile, and they talked a few minutes about the tour details, when she had to ask something, but that was all of their communication. And it was strange. If he likes to control everything, why does he let her do things her way and not butt in? Is that some kind of trick he is playing on her?

* * *

  
Yoshiki sat at his table with hands folded under his chin, reading the 5th daily report Jess sent. Exactly at 8 pm, every day. She was consistent, at least. He deliberately never replied, because he wanted to see her reaction. In any case, he couldn't find any mistakes in her reports, and had to admit himself that she was doing her job pretty well. She paid attention to everyone, was organized and firm in her dealings and knew exactly what she was doing. She always asked his opinion before making bigger decisions that exceeded her authority, but never on small stuff. That was actually very promising. Jun called him a day before, asking how he liked the new manager, and he couldn't say anything other than the truth. He liked the way she was working, so he let her do her thing. The real question is how she will fare abroad. Especially in Japan, where English is not the main language of business. Though they always had an interpreter with them, as most staff members they brought from the US didn't speak Japanese, and he liked to work with the same team, who already knew what he expected and didn't have to train new people all the time.  
  
It was again one of those nights he couldn't fall asleep. Everyone was already gone, the office was dark and silent. He decided the best way to not think about sleeping and dreaming was to play, so he walked over to the studio part, that was divided from the office section by soundproof doors. Playing the piano had a tranquilizing effect on his soul, freeing up his mind. There and then, only music existed, no earthly worries, tour schedules or even Hide intruding into his subconscious.

* * *

  
Jess felt really tired. She had to stay late in the office to finish an overseas call with a promoter, and she drank her thousandth cup of coffee already. She hated conducting business calls at night, all alone in the office, so she took her notes and tablet to the rooftop, where the company had a small garden, neatly organized in Japanese style, for employees to relax at, to do the Skype call there. The peaceful garden was actually a nice touch she really liked. And it sort of matched the CEO's erratic and contradictory personality, as well. Someone as strict and workaholic as Yoshiki was, nobody would have thought he actually cared for his employees' well-being. On the other hand, he was an artist with a sensitive nature, which could account for his sense of these things. Two more days, and they embark on a two months long tour, 30 shows around the world.  
  
Jess massaged her stiff neck and heaved a sigh. She packed her stuff and took the stairs down from the rooftop, which led besides the soundproof studio. The lights were on. That was strange, everyone already left the building, except for the security guard, but he was sitting at the gate. She couldn't see through the smoky windows. As she stepped in through the side door, she got curious and with her temporary badge, opened the soundproof doors of the studio. She walked in, following the light seeping from the practice studio. She never actually visited the other, separated recording booths, but she has come to the practice studio before on multiple occassions to watch them for a few minutes. Now only Yoshiki was inside, sitting at the piano, facing the door but he was playing with eyes closed and his head tilted a little upwards, gently moving to the soft melody. It was one of Chopin's Nocturnes. The radiating melody had a calming effect, and Jess closed her eyes, too, leaning against the door-post.  
  
She didn't seem to realize he stopped playing a while ago. Yoshiki watched her standing at the door, her long, brown hair neatly tied into a ponytail, eyes closed, her head resting on the door-post. He experienced this state of mind way to often not to recognise the signs of physical exhaustion. A few more seconds and she'll fall asleep standing.  
  
"Miss Bright?", he said gently, like a breeze and she suddenly opened her eyes, unfocused and confused. She quickly came to her senses and cleared her thoat.  
  
"Oh. I'm sorry, I just.... I had a call with the Hong Kong promoter and... saw the lights were on. I didn't want to disturb you", she apologised.  
  
"I cannot sleep very well. Sometimes I stay in late to work, and the piano always helps to calm ... the nerves. It's better than a psychologist", he said smiling and she smiled back at him. He fiddled with the keys on the piano, playing random sequences with one hand.  
  
"Do you play?", he asked suddenly and Jess shook her head apologetically.  
  
"I never had any such talents. I tremendously enjoy all sorts of music, and I was always fascinated by this industry. But since I'm not musically talented, I work behind the scenes."  
  
He nodded. "Everyone has different kinds of talents in this world. It makes every single person unique in their own ways."  
  
Jess tried to read the emotions on his face but could not tell what he was thinking.  
  
"You have not replied to any of my emails," she suddenly said and Yoshiki's hand stopped on the keys.  
  
"Does it bother you? That I didn't reply?", he asked the obvious, smiling like an angel. Jess crossed her arms and nodded.  
  
"Since we are going to work together for the next two months, I will be honest with you. It's a little rude not to answer. Even if you don't read the report."  
  
"Oh I did. I read all of them," he smiled. To her questioning eyes, he responded with a shrug. "Since they were all without any mistakes, I didn't feel the need to write anything back."  
  
"Not even a thank you?"  
  
He looked up at her with an expression she could not decipher. "I don't thank people in advance. I made this mistake in the past, and ended up getting almost ruined. People use you if you are too damn polite. If you do your job well, I will thank your efforts. Afterwards. You are not making me a favor. You work for me, and I believe you are getting paid well to do your job."  
  
That was ruthless, but it was also true. He uttered these words on such a natural, soft voice, that made them sound even harsher. How could he not change his tone of voice even once? Then Jess suddenly realized why everyone at this company feared this man. Journalists may mistake him for a sassy, soft spoken rock star, but this man sitting here at the flashy grand piano in leather knee boots, white leather pants and a transluscent black shirt, was no fool.  
  
"I understand. And thank you for being honest," she replied. "If you don't mind, I would leave you alone now. I do need some sleep before the morning shift begins."  
  
He nodded, and started playing another tune. As she said good night and turned away, he suddenly asked her, "Why do you think we will work together? The week is not over yet and I have not replied to your boss on whether you are on board for the tour or not."  
  
She turned back and this time, she smiled at him. "It's been 5 days. If you were not satisfied with my job, you would have fired me long ago. See you tomorrow, boss."  
  
As the door closed behind her, she heard his soft laugh, as he continued to play the piano.


	4. Chapter 4

The sound of laughter echoed in the studio as Toshi embraced Sugizo from behind and Pata playfully punched his arm.  
  
"Sheesh, man, now I really feel old!", Sugizo smirked as he tried to withhold his tears. Heath was rarely grinning, but now he was. Yoshiki was sitting opposite them in his favourite armchair, legs crossed, his hands wrapped around his knee. These happy moments meant so much to them as a family, and he was also genuinely happy for Sugizo, who had just learnt that his daughter, Luna was pregnant.  
  
"Man, the first X grandchild!", Toshi teased their friend, still clinging to his neck. "I'm so proud of you!"  
  
"The credit doesn't go to me, though", Sugizo laughed. "But if you call me granddaddy, you are all dead!", he warned them playfully.  
  
Heath crossed his arms and grinned at him wholeheartedly. "Hey, you at least have the chance to become one. Look at us old fucktards here, none of us has kids. Or any chance to have one, anytime soon. Enjoy your privilege!"  
  
They all laughed, but this remark also reminded them of someone and all of them suddenly looked at Yoshiki. Pata was the first to ask, even though he never spoke much.  
  
"Still no news?"  
  
Yoshiki shook his head with a sad smile. He had been trying so hard to find the child. He hired several private investigators over the past years, since he saw them at Hide's grave 10 years ago. The beautiful faced boy with Hide's eyes. He froze on the spot, he was shocked. Could have been just a fan bringing her son to an admired idol's grave, but Yoshiki instinctly knew that was not the case. When he told the X members, they thought he was crazy. Toshi asked him if he smoked weed. But it just kept bothering him so much, he hired a private detective and the guy actually brought hospital proof of Hide's last girlfriend delivering a baby 7 months after Hide's death, in New York. That was not proof of him being the father, but those eyes... Those eyes were unmistakably his. How could he ever forget Hide's beautifully crafted almond eyes? They haunted his dreams every single night. This was something not even Hide's family knew about. Yoshiki doubted Hide himself knew. Yoshiki made it his mission to find the boy and find out why Mika never told anyone about him.

* * *

  
The tour started in Japan, and the Tokyo Dome vibrated with energy as X fans filled it up to the brim. The backstage was buzzing as usual, and Jess had no time to contemplate her awkward situation with her new boss, having to coordinate the show, handle suppliers and providers, and supervise all procedures. She knew that they would have to talk about what happened on the plane from LA to Tokyo, but there was no time. She still tried to avoid him as much as it was possible and it didn't seem like Yoshiki was against it, as he completely ignored her, apart from the usual daily 10 minute briefings she had to give him, as he wanted to know the details of everything related to the organization of each show. Thankfully, those were staff meetings, and she never had to face him alone after that night on his private jet.  
  
X members flew to Japan using Extasy Records' private, X Japan branded jet to Tokyo a day earlier than Yoshiki, while staff members took regular flights, and the equipment was already shipped days before for the local partner for assembly. Yoshiki had to remain in LA to finish up the last agreements regarding the tour and he required his tour manager to attend these meetings. When all were done, they took the private jet, just the two of them. His personal manager and assistant took the regular flight to prepare his accommodation for his arrival, whatever that actually meant, Jess didn't really want to know. The jet was insane, it was customized to his requirements, with private cabins for each band member, and an extra cabin for staff members travelling with them. It also had a lounge, leather upon leather, with the latest hi-tech gadgets, built-in drink bar and the like. She had travelled with pretty famous American stars before, but this level of extravagance was rare even among the biggest names of the Western industry. The private cabins had king size beds and could be closed off for uninterrupted sleep during flight.  
  
They had dinner on board, with some entertaining but superficial conversation about musical taste, politics and other things. They discussed the upcoming show, and she told him all details. He was pleased. Then they each took to their own cabins and Jess, enjoying the comfortable bed, turned on the lights and started to read a book. She hated flying and couldn't really sleep on board. Her cabin was the first one in the row, Yoshiki's was the very last one, at the back of the plane. They had a flight attendant serving them, but she didn't want to bother her to bring water and decided to get some for herself from the bar in the lounge, which was separated from the cabins with a thick curtain. As she got out of her cabin, roughly two hours after they finished dinner, she heard it. The kind of rapid, short breathing people gasping for air make. She glanced at the curtain contemplating whether to call the flight attendant but decided that in case of false alarm, Yoshiki would kill her, if she involved outsiders in his issues. That much she had already learnt of her new boss. She hesitantly walked to the last cabin and slowly opened the sliding wall.  
  
He was swimming in sweat, his angelic features distorted by pain, but she instantly recognised that he didn't have physical problems. He was having a nightmare, tossing and turning, breathing heavily, his eyes moving rapidly under his eyelids. It must have been an insanely vivid dream. She decided not to interfere, it was none of her business and would have been an intrusion into his private space to wake him and let him know she had seen him in his most vulnerable state. Then he started crying, and she froze. It was painful to watch, it was the kind of genuinely deep despair that she had only seen from people who had just witnessed the loss of someone dear. God knows, what - or whom - he was dreaming about, but his whole body was trembling like a lone leaf in the wind. Without thinking, she sat down on the brink of the bed and touched his forehead, sweeping away wet locks of blond hair, stroking them gently, humming a calm melody, until the crying subdued and eventually ceased. She pulled the blanket up and covered him carefully. She turned around to get out of the cabin and she glanced at his face one more time. She would never forget the anger she saw in his eyes. She got startled and her heart launched a crazy beat, as she realized that he was awake.  
  
"I'm... I just... I heard... and..."  
  
He propped himself up on one forearm. "Get out of here," he said on a very low voice, almost a whisper, but his eyes were flashing with anger and pain. She didn't reply, just got out of the cabin as quickly as she managed, running back to her own space, where she stayed up for the rest of the night, with a multitude of emotions whirling in her heart.

* * *

  
When they arrived in Tokyo, they didn't speak, and she was hardly able to even look in his eyes. He didn't mention anything of the previous night but became visibly distant and cold towards her. Jess knew that there was nothing she could do about it, nobody likes to be vulnerable in front of strangers. She saw what probably even his own band members have never actually witnessed themselves. As much as Yoshiki was an on-stage drama queen, frequently collapsing and staging dramatic falls, off stage he was strong and commanding, never showing any signs of weakness.  
  
The first show went without issues, and Yoshiki had to admit he was pretty satisfied with Jess' work. Flawless execution, and she had a commandable presence, a likeable personality that made it easier for partners to accept her as the manager in charge. She also surprised everyone when she talked to local Japanese staff in Japanese. That was something he had not expected. Later, Jin told him that Jess had been working for his agency for 10 years now, and learnt Japanese on the job, although it was not a requirement for her work at the time, working solely with US artists. She was impressive, but he just could not let go of that incident on the plane.  
  
It was one of the worst nightmares he had ever had in his life, and if someone, he was an expert in having nightmares. For days prior, he couldn't sleep well, but the nightmares also avoided his erratic sleeps. Then suddenly, out of the blue, when he actually did fall asleep on the plane, he sank into the most frightening nightmare he had had. It was so vivid, so life-like he actually thought he was not dreaming, even though nothing in that dream actually ever happened. He was standing on the seaside on rocks, a bright sunny day, a gentle breeze stroking his face, when suddenly dark clouds appeared on the sky and he heard Hide's voice shouting from behind him, telling him to run before the storm hits. He turned around and he was standing there, on the terrace of a white plastered summer bungalow, the wind clawing his short, red hair, his expression worried and dark.  
  
"Come off the rocks, Yo-chan! Run! Run before the tide comes!", he shouted, his voice trembling with fear.  
  
Yoshiki tried to move, but his legs were not willing to accept the command. The tide rose, the wind blew harder, and the sky became almost pitch dark. Hide leaned against the railing of the terrace and shouted at him. But he couldn't move, and the tide kept rising, and he felt his body being enveloped in white ruffles, the ice cold water hitting his skin, the pressure against his chest growing as he became engulfed, with Hide now screaming. Yoshiki started to gasp for air as the sea swallowed him up. He opened his eyes and he was in the park in Shibuya, in that previous dream where Hide was leaning against the cherry tree. He was there, but he was not smiling this time. The swing was swinging empty, creaking against the cheerful sunlight frighteningly. Hide was crying. He wanted to run to him, to embrace him, to ask why he was crying but again, his legs wouldn't go, his mouth wouldn't open. Despair welled up in him, as Hide pouted, with his tears washing off dark eyeshadow, tainting his flowless skin.  
  
"I never saw him. Please find him. Please," he whispered and the creaking of the empty swing became unbearably loud, piercing his ears.  
  
He woke drenched in sweat, and the first thing he saw was Jess covering his body in a blanket. He felt violated, exposed, she intruded into his most vulnerable state. He felt anger welling up in his heart, and demanded that she leave. As he lay awake for the rest of the night, he promised himself that whatever it takes, he must find Hide's son. He concluded that the boy he had seen in previous dreams, was Hide's boy, and his friend wanted him to find his child. But what was the previous dream about? Why was he swallowed up by the ocean? Why was Hide worried about him?


	5. Chapter 5

As the Tokyo Dome show ended, and X Japan left the stage, Jess could finally breathe a little. The local organizer took over to finish handling the aftermath of the show, and she finally had time to sit down and eat something in the backstage, as the musicians took showers, changed clothes and prepared to leave for their Tokyo residences. Afterparty was long out of question, as much as they were vigorous and energetic on stage, they were all near or over 50 now, and the last thing they wanted to go to was some noisy club. Sugizo almost immediately left to visit his daughter, before they needed to fly to the next city in two days.  
  
She saw Yoshiki leave the stage, and he was exhausted beyond words. One stage staff member supported him, holding his waist, until he could sit down inside the dressing room. It was no joke when people told her he drummed himself to oblivion on every show. She witnessed X Japan's live show for the first time, and she was thoroughly impressed. Toshi's voice made her cry twice, during Endless Rain and Without You. Both songs were incredibly beautifully composed and conveying so much pain and despair, she couldn't help but remember Yoshiki's feverish nightmare. No wonder he wrote songs like these. She could only imagine the amount of grief this man has had to carry on his shoulders, to be so drenched in it still.   
  
As she passed the dressing room, she saw the team doctor, travelling with them everywhere, bandaging up Yoshiki's right hand, and then administering a shot into his arm, asking him to try and move his fingers. She shook her head. Probably she would never understand the drive he had, that he was willing to sacrifice his own body to be able to play these shows. Most people had some sort of addiction. Some people were addicted to alcohol, drugs or money, Yoshiki was addicted to his own fame, of being adored by a galore of screaming fans. At least, that's how she percieved it. What else could justify this madness, that he was willing to do this when his body was obviously already failing him? He had enough money to last two lifetimes, he certainly wasn't after the bucks he could earn, especially that he probably made much more money through his other businesses and investments that he would earn through X Japan.  
  
As she was wondering about his motives, Viktora tiptoed to her table on her unchanging 5" heels, and announced that "boss wants you to come. Be at the car in 10 minutes", she uttered drily and Jess looked at her as if she had gone mad. Is this 20 something personal assistant giving her orders now? She pressed her lips together to supress the insult she wanted to throw at her and smiled instead. "Sure."  
  
She was waiting at Yoshiki's black Audi, when he appeared, dressed in black, with huge sunglasses hiding his eyes and without saying anything, he motioned her to get into the car and he himself got in. She felt furious. Now he was treating her like trash. She violently opened the door for herself and got in, only to find herself sitting right next him. His face was uneadable, as always, even more so because of the sunglasses. She was waiting for Viktoria, or Yoshiki's personal manager to appear, and join them, but the chauffeur started rolling out of the parking lot.   
  
"Where is Viktoria, and Jane?", she asked confused, but he didn't reply.  
  
"Where are we going?", she now raised her voice and he finally heaved a sigh, as if she disturbed his inner peace.   
  
"We need to talk."  
  
"Okay, we can talk in the car, or at the hote lobby", she replied but he interrupted her immediately, on  a dry, cold voice.  
  
"No."  
  
Jess started to panic and contemplated calling the emergency number she had on speed dial, a number only her original company's employees could call. They had it for emergency situations when artists lose their right mind. She heard him heave a deep sigh.  
  
"I'm not going to hurt you, for God's sake, what do you take me for?", he said on a low voice, obviously offended.   
  
"Then tell me where we are going," she insisted and he pouted.   
  
"I have an apartment in Tokyo. And it would be better if you didn't misunderstand this. We need to talk about what happened on the plane, and I don't want anyone to listen to that, even by accident."  
  
One part of her was relieved, the other was trembling of the thought. She knew this would probably be the worst situation of her entire career in the business, and he could well ruin her future, if he so wished. She spent the rest of the car ride in silence, looking out of the window, without even seeing the flashy night Tokyo, her mind was wondering elsewhere. He also remained silent.   
  
His apartment was in a skyscraper. Where else, she thought sarcastically, as they took the speed elevator and got off at the 67th floor. His apartment occupied the entire floor, lavishly furnished, but visibly empty otherwise. Black and white, like his office. No colors, not even a bright pillow. It was depressing. As they stepped in, he offered her a seat in the living room, on the huge black leather couch and asked her if she wanted a drink. She refused, her hands were almost trembling, she was worried she would spill the liquid out and let him know how nervous she was. She never visited any of her client's private apartments before. Especially not late at night. Alone.   
  
For a couple of minutes, silence settled between them, as he drank half a bottle of water and ran his hand through his hair. He finally took his sunglasses off. His eyes were red and he looked exhausted. He took his leather gloves off and looked at her, sitting across of her this time, with a small table between them.   
  
"That night on the plane," he began, "you must not talk about to anyone".  
  
She nodded. "I am aware of that. I have signed the non-disclosure agreement, and I have never talked about private issues of my clients. This is something you don't need to worry about. No one can fare in this business if they cannot keep their mouths shut about artists' private lives." She sounded business-like and confident, even though she had a huge lump in her throat and in her stomach.   
  
"Good", he replied, and leaned forward. "Look, I know that you only had good intentions and wanted to help. But I don't like being touched and nobody should enter my sleeping space. Ever. You can call it excess behaviour or star attitude or whatever label you want to tag it with, I don't care. Call me a psychological wreck or a lunatic, I don't care. Don't do this ever again. Even if you hear noises, just ignore it. Even if you think I'm suffocating or dying in my sleep, don't do anything. If I have to die, I will. But nobody will be there to witness it. You understand?"  
  
Jess helplessly nodded. He was not shouting, or even being angry. His voice remained soft and calm, and she suddenly felt really bad for him. How much pain is he going though that he would rather die alone than let others witness it?   
  
"And I don't need your pity, either. My chauffeur will take you to the hotel", he said calmly and stood up. Jess quivered. He was reading her like an open book.   
  
"I apologise for intruding into your life," Jess stood up and said in Japanese, bowing in the Japanese fashion to him and walked to the door. She had no idea why she felt like crying when the door closed behind her.


	6. Chapter 6

Hide shook his head astonished, taking a drag on his cigarette. Yoshiki's eating habits drove him nuts. Some days he wouldn't eat anything and practically lived on beer and chocolate, other days he would swallow a whole cow. Like now. 4 bowls of rice, a huge plate of fried meat, spaghetti, fried fish (which Hide carefully deboned for him, Yoshiki was simply too impatient to do that), 3 bowls of miso soup, two bowls of curry and a plate of fresh fruit. Where did  _all that_  go, when Yo-chan was so thin his ribcage showed through his laced dresses he loved wearing on stage so much?  
  
It was just the two of them, in the studio, where Yoshiki simply locked himself in for weeks now, working on the new album. If fans saw him, they would probably not believe their eyes. No lace, no eyeshadow, the leader was simply wearing acid wash jeans, a black tank top, his long, blond hair tied into a haphazard bun on his neck. His legs were restless, as always, as he shoved the food down, one bowl after the other, washing it down with an ample amount of ale.  
  
"Where does all this food go?", Hide asked him amused, sending a cheeky smirk his way.  
  
Yoshiki shrugged his shoulders and swallowed the last bite of his rice.  
  
"I'm hungry. .... No chocolate?", he looked around the table looking for his daily dose of sweet drug. Hide chuckled.  
  
"I ate it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I ate your chocolate," Hide leaned closer sticking his tongue out at him.  
  
Yoshiki stared at him for a brief moment, and then grabbed Hide's red locks with both hands and started to pull his hair.   
  
"Nobody eats my fucking chocolate!".   
  
Hide's laughter was ringing in his ear.

* * *

  
He sat up, feeling something wet on his face. It was a tear that glided down his cheek, and he quickly wiped it away. This time, it was a memory. Not a nightmare, not images he had never seen before. It was a memory from long ago, something he thought he had long forgotten. As he was sitting on the edge of his bed, the room only illuminated by faint light spots coming through the window, a sad smile flashed through his lips.  
  
"I'd give you all the chocolate in the world, if I could see you again, just once", he whispered.  
  
He stood up to walk to the fridge, which was empty, as usual, only the side racks filled with water bottles. He took one of them and walked to the armchair in the living room. His whole apartment was one big living space, no separate rooms, the different functions were simply divided by being elevated to a different height. The kitchen, which he never used, was at the same level as the living room, the bed stood on an elevated platform at the enormous window. At the other end of the space, was a huge bathtub, sunk into the floor, made entirely of black granite. Only the toilet and the wardrobe were separated by moving door-panels, plastered with delicate white paper, in the traditional Japanese style. The furniture was simplistic but visibly very expensive.  
  
Black and white. He had no idea when he stopped liking colors. He used to like them. Blood red and striking blue: the contrast of hot red, throbbing with life and the lifeless tranquility of cold blue. He was a man of contrasts, contradictions and crossroads. He has always been. For a long time now, red faded into white and blue darkened into black, and he lost his ability to love the colors around him.  
  
As he sunk into the armchair and his tense muscles started to relax, it suddenly occured to him, that for a ong time now, the first color that caught his eye in the midst of his black and white reality was Jess Bright's eyes. Her eyes were impossibly blue. And they changed hues, too, according to her mood swings. That night, when he harshly scolded her for what happened on the plane, the color of her eyes shifted to almost grey, as if something had sucked the pigments out of her iris. He suddenly felt remorse and heaved a sigh. Why is he now making others lose their colors, too?


	7. Chapter 7

Snowflakes floated and settled gently down on his palm, as he stuck his skinny arm out the window of the attic. Tick tock. Tick tock. The metronome was relentlessly ticking, followed by distorted sounds of an acoustic guitar, squeaking and breaking up as Toshi failed the melody again. Yoshiki smiled into the snow-clad landscape and reached his other arm out, as well, taking a deep breath from the fresh air. Winter was his favourite season. Nothing bloomed that could trigger his asthma bouts and he could breathe freely. The guitar strings squeaked again. He turned around shaking his head.  
  
"You'll never learn it that way."  
  
Toshi stuck his tongue out on him and clumsily placed his fingers on the neck again, trying to press the strings down the right way. Yoshiki sat down on the floor, with the open window behind his back and just sat there watching his best friend struggling with the task.  
  
"We will be rock stars one day. Well, if you can learn those chords, that is," he laughed and Toshi pouted.  
  
"You're a brat!", Toshi retorted, and pressed on the strings even harder. Yoshiki shrugged his shoulders and turned around again to gaze through the window.  
  
"So what if I am? We will still be rockstars. You'll see."

* * *

  
Toshi was glad he kept his habit of wearing huge sunglasses indoors. At least it hid his emotions, he could wear it like a mask that kept his inner turmoils secret. Now again, for the thousandth time that day, Yoshiki was unbearable. The others also kept their distance at times like this, and silently endured his antics. The shouting, the swearwords, the violent shattering of transluscent plastic as he dragged a pickaxe through the floor to his drum kit and smashed it into pieces. Where he found that axe, Toshi had no idea. Staff went about cleaning up his mess, as usual, everyone silently doing their job, quickly replacing the broken tams with new ones. They had an entire truck filled with spare parts for his drum kit, and Tama ran a separate production line in the factory, just for Yoshiki's drums. They were consumables, like plastic cutlery, and Yoshiki did consume them at such a rate, as well. Everyone was used to his outbursts, even Tama staff knew about them. The only one truly shocked at the scene was their new tour manager. Of course, she never witnessed soft spoken, almost shy Yoshiki's other side. As Taiji once aptly expressed, Yoshiki had one half of the face of an angel, the other half - an agonizing devil. He could be the nicest guy on the planet, kind hearted and attentive, but he had a destroying force within himself like no one else Toshi ever met.  
  
It was kind of a miracle they became friends, at all. Nobody really befriended Yoshiki at school, either. He was an aloof child, often sick and missing classes, silent and withdrawn, except when provoked. He would kick and bite then, once he bit off a piece of a classmate's earlobe, because he called him a "mommy's boy". Toshi would still hang out with him, somehow he was drawn to his already manifesting magnetic personality, and his dreaminess. A dreaminess he always acted upon. Other kids were also dreaming about becoming this or that, but they never really acted upon it. Yoshiki did everything he could, to make those dreams come true. He rebelled, he fought, he bit anyone who would stand in his way. He dragged Toshi along with him, and he gladly followed Yoshiki's leadership.  
  
More than 40 years had passed since, and Yoshiki was still as aloof and lonely, as he used to be in his childhood. Girlfriends came and went by, no one could really stand him for long. And Toshi also knew, that his friend was never really in love with anything but music. He valued his scores more than a lover's kiss, or a friend's hug. Everyone and everything came after music. It made Toshi sad, because he knew that his best friend was simply destroying himself every single minute of his life. During a beer drinking night out at a bar, back in the golden days, Pata once said something that struck Toshi as being incredibly insightful. Pata has always been like that, so calm and silent, just observing and never interfering. He said, Yoshiki would not live very long.  
  
"His whole being is built on a force within himself, that keeps destroying his sanity," Pata said as a matter-of-fact, slowly munching on fried octopus, as if he was talking about the weather and not their bandmate's presumed future. No one could have predicted, that Hide would leave this world first, of course. Yoshiki didn't hear Pata's comment, rambling about in the opposite corner of the bar drunk, calling a punk band's guitarist a dickhead and smashing his face with a tabletop, his long blond hair messed up, after the poor unsuspecting guy made a comment about his laced outfit and called him a tranny. You don't mess with drummers, they hit hard. Hide was already sleeping on the table next to Toshi, with an angelic smile on his face, mumbling in his drunken dream in incoherent English, as he always did and then started snoring loudly. Taiji turned Hide's head to the other side, to stop the snoring and smirked into his glass of whiskey. They were all glad Hide passed out of the amount of alcohol he consumed, otherwise he would have already joined Yoshiki in dismantling the bar. Another place they wouldn't be let in next time.  
  
Exhausted, Yoshiki was now crouching on the floor, breathing heavily, with his head lowered. Witnessing such a scene, you would think he had a good reason to get mad and smash an entire, freakishly expensive kit to pieces during rehearsal. But no. He just got angry because his roadie (obviously, a newbie) failed to set up one of the tams as he requested. Instead of just asking him to fix it, he actually started swearing like a sailor, and then rushed off stage, found that axe somewhere in the backstage and destroyed the entire drum set. Toshi heaved a deep sigh and glanced at Sugizo, who was fiddling with his guitar setup, trying not to pay attention to the drama. Toshi almost laughed out. Sugizo fit their band perfectly, he got the hang of what it was like to be an X Japan member, pretty quickly. They had 5 hours left to the show, they had no time to care about Yoshiki's emotional stress.  
  
Of course, Yoshiki wasn't always violent, and didn't always destroy things in his way,  but when he was stressed or otherwise mentally unstable, hell broke loose. Toshi started wondering what actually might have caused this outburst now, right before their second show of the tour. If this goes on, they would have to endure his unstable condition for a long time. He decided to get up from the stairs he was sitting on and walked to Yoshiki, still crouching on the floor, next to his destroyed kit.  
  
"You ok?", he asked Yoshiki in Japanese, squatting down and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. He  expected no answer, or Yoshiki's usual silent nod - a sign of his adrenalin levels subsiding and his sanity returning. But instead, what he heard was sobbing. Desperate, painful sobbing.


	8. Chapter 8

Jess almost screamed out loud when she caught sight of Yoshiki furiously dragging a pickaxe through the floor of the backstage, panting heavily. She heard the loud shouting and swearing but was told by backstage staff to ignore it.

"Don’t mind him. It’ll pass soon," they told her.

It was a frightening sight, his angelic features glowed with a dark light, as if the devil himself settled into his soul. She held her breath, afraid to move even a bit, should he notice her and turn his anger on her. She watched him destroy the drum kit raging, she was biting her lips, her hands trembling. She almost jumped when something touched her shoulder and became relieved only when she realized it was Heath.

"You look frightened," he said simply, in Japanese. Since the band learned she could speak their language, they became more talkative towards her, even Pata and Heath became friendlier.

"It’s frightening. He looks like...," she couldn’t finish the sentence but Heath nodded with a wry smile.

"Like the devil himself?"

"You are not afraid of him? That he might turn that axe on… people?", she whispered and shivered at the thought. Heath shook his head.

"He’d never do that. He would rather turn that thing on himself. The destroying, his anger, is not … towards people. He is not even angry at that roadie. Trust me. We have known him for so long. This is his inner struggle, something he has battled since… forever. He would rather kill himself than kill anyone else. He might fight with his fists at times, he used to do that a lot when he was younger, but he would never inflict serious injuries. He’s a delicate guy," he said smiling and Jess looked at him with disbelieving eyes.

Heath laughed. "I know this sounds crazy, when you watch him punch the shit out of that drum kit, but that’s just how he is. He will kick the fuck out of it and then cry his eyes off watching Titanic for the nth time, and eat a bucket of chocolate ice cream crying."

Jess smiled at the thought and thanked Heath for his calming words. The bassist winked at her and went about fine-tuning his guitar, leaving her alone with her thoughts, whirling around the unique, if frightening world of Yoshiki’s mind.

* * *

The dark clouds started to slowly disperse and his sobbing quieted down, giving his mind a chance to capture reality again. Now he heard Toshi’s voice. The singer was embracing him and holding his head. Yoshiki suddenly felt embarrased and moved away. Toshi immediately knew that he was conscious again. The past few months, the nervous breakdowns became more frequent. The on-stage drama was usually all that: staged, part of his image, although rooted in his twisted personality. He would get violent outbursts from time to time, but those passed quickly and ended with him apologising and smiling. But recently, he really started to break down off stage as well, sometimes totally losing his self-control and that was worrisome. As much as he liked pulling the emotional strings of the audience with drama, off stage he was almost always composed. The commander, as they liked to call him. This man crouching on the floor shaking and crying was nothing like that. And this, somehow, frightened Toshi.

Yoshiki motioned to him that he was OK and collected himself from the floor, combing his fingers through his disheveled hair, pulling unruly locks into order again. A sign that good old Yoshiki, conscious of his looks, returned again. Toshi sighed and stood up. He patted his friend’s shoulder and left to get some water.

Yoshiki didn’t look at the other members as he was watching the staff set up a brand new drum kit for the practice. He did as if nothing happened, although he was well aware of the grim looks he was getting from all sides. Recently he found it more and more difficult to contain his despair. It manifested itself as anger, physical and verbal, as well as uncontrollable sobbing that took his body over completely. But it was more than that.

He felt like he was going crazy. After that night on the plane, he started seeing Hide. Not in his dreams only, but when he was awake. Of course, he was aware that it was only his brain tricking him, but it was maddening. Right before he got seemingly angry at the roadie, he got sight of Hide standing at the opposite end of the stage, his eyes dark and emotionless. He said something but Yoshiki heard no sound and then within a blink of time, he was gone. He never believed in ghosts or supernatural beings, or weird energy waves, like Sugizo did. But for the past months, Hide was intruding into his dreams and now he haunted him even when he was wide awake. Yoshiki trembled.


	9. Chapter 9

Ethan Michaels had a particularly bad day. He missed the first two classes at university because of a stupid traffic jam and got scolded by his favourite professor. On top of that, his girlfriend decided to just dump him right after, and then the rain started falling out of nowhere. He turned his grim face upwards to the sky and just stretched his arms out.

"Just... why? Why do I also have to get drenched, too, today of all fucking days?!", he shouted like a madman, and as if God gave him an answer, a thunderous lightning roared and Ethan cursed like there was no tomorrow. 

As soon as he was home, he kicked his dirty shoes off, got rid of his clothes like a maniac and took a hot shower. It calmed his nerves, and he was humming a tune he barely recognised, but something that was stuck in his mind for a long time, ever since he knew he existed. 

Browsing through his Facebook feed an advertisement popped to his attention. He had Madison Square Garden's page on watchlist, along with other venues, always craving to hear new music. He was fascinated by music, but his mother strictly forbade him to learn to play an instrument. He was on the road to doctordom, as his friends would often mock her mother's obsession with him "getting a proper profession". For whatever reason, she despised musicians. Whenever he would tell her about musicians he admired, his mother shut him down and told him to study for his exams instead. 

Growing up half Asian wasn't an easy thing. His dad, a white army guy, left them pretty early on, and all he left behind was a surname and some photos. It surely wasn't a Cinderella ride for his mother, and Ethan sort of understood her desire to make a better life for her son. 

The advertisement was for a band he never heard about. X Japan. Wow. Japanese dudes performing at The Garden? He became thrilled. He wasn't really interested in his Japanese heritage, until fairly recently, and he didn't even speak a word of the language. His mother insisted they had nothing to do with her homeland anymore. 

X Japan. Sounded cool. Ethan decided to give them a shot on Youtube, just to see whether it was intriguing enough to actually go see the show. The first few concert footages blew his mind. This was his kind of jam. Catchy and heavy but melodic and soothing at the same time. Youtube offered more and more videos on the side bar, and he just kept clicking. The older footages were fun and he couldn't help but keep looking at their lead guitarist. Although heavily made up and often hidden by long pink hair, his features looked familiar. Where has he seen that face before? He looked up the Wikipedia article of the band, and learned that their lead guitarist died in 1998. The year Ethan was born. He somehow felt sad about that, and just decided to browse through Google images of him. 

And when clearer face shots came up, his breath stuck in for a moment. 

He was staring at himself. 

* * *

He had a doppelganger. Who died in May 1998, while he was born in December the same year. The more he learned about Hideto Matsumoto, the more he was intrigued. "Dude, he looked like me", for minutes on end, he kept repeating to himself in disbelief. He watched the funeral video on Youtube with his mouth agape. So many people, so much grief. Then, he also didn't know why, just Googled his grave. There and then, as he was staring at the photo, he realized he had memories of that place. Vague memories, fragments, he sort of remembered that sometimes his mother would take him to a grave in Japan. He didn't know whose grave it was. They stopped travelling to Japan after he turned 10, but she never gave a reason why. They became engaged in their everyday life in the US, he had almost forgotten his memories of Japan.

As he dragged his brain for more memories, suddenly an imaged flashed in front of his eyes, a man standing near that grave watching him, as his mother dragged him away quickly. Ethan closed his eyes and concentrated on the memory-flash. It was a blond man. Certainly it was. Long hair reaching his shoulders. Sunglasses. Ethan's eyes flickered.

"The drummer of X Japan?", he whispered in disbelief.  Am I mixing up my memories with the videos I have just seen? He thought to himself, but then he dismissed the idea. Even if he did, the memories of that grave were real. 

What did his mother have to do with X Japan's guitarist? Was she a fan? But why would she bring him to his grave...? 

The thought threads following this were so surreal he didn't even dare to think they might be reality. But there was so much coincidence. How she never talked about his father, how she stopped going to Japan, how she got angry with him whenever he mentioned music. His fragmented memories of Matsumoto's grave and the blond man that resembled X's drummer. His very own face mirroring the guitarists's features. 

Ethan suddenly had a mad idea. It was truly a mad one. He took one of Hide's photos, and printed it. He quickly ran out to buy whatever was needed to replicate that look: eyeliner, hair dye, clothes. He called a girl friend over to help him with the make-up; she literally thought he had gone crazy - until she saw the photo of Hide. They did the make-up, she helped him dye his hair pink with a temporary dye and he put on a red leather jacket he found at a second hand store. 

As he stared at his own reflection in the mirror, and the photo he held in his hand, he almost had a whiplash. 

He sat down on the couch, facing the entrance of their small flat, just staring at the door almost numb. He knew that this was probably the harshest way to find the truth out but he felt like he had no choice. His mother was always silent about her past, about his father, never uttering a word, however he insisted. He gave up asking after a while. But she has to give an explanation. Maybe it's really just a coincidence, just a doppelganger, it has happened before to many people that they discovered their look-alike. But was it really just that?

As the door opened, Ethan felt his heartbeat increasing and a lump growing in his throat. His mother stepped in, elegant and beautiful, as always, carrying a grocery bag. As she caught sight of the man sitting on the couch, her eyes filled with terror, her scream pierced through Ethan's ears and she slid to the floor, her hands desperatly clutching her blouse, terrified. 

His tears ran down his cheeks, washing off black eyeshadow, tainting his flawless skin. He got his answer to his question, without asking a word.


	10. Chapter 10

Shuuji. His Japanese name was Shuuji. It shared the same first kanji with 'Hideto', just with a different reading. Had Hide been alive, Ethan's full Japanese name would have been Shuuji Matsumoto. But he died before his son could see the daylight, and Mika had no choice. If the media knew, if the fans knew... Hide became a legend after his death, the news of having a child would have escalated it even further. They could never have a normal life. Even if it was painful and seemed cruel, Mika thought the best was to not let anyone know. Not even Hide's parents knew, so Ethan could not be registered into the Matsumoto family registry. Ethan understood his mother's reasons, but could not help thinking about the 'ifs'. What if he could have grown up knowing about his background? If he actually had grandparents to talk to? If he could grow up in Japan instead of New York? 

He escaped to the roof of their apartment block - something he often did when he wanted to breathe fresh air and clear his thoughts. He was sitting there on the ground, leaning against the railing of the staircase, watching the night sky. The rain had finally stopped and the concrete dried quickly, leaving behind that distinguished, earthy-metallic smell of big city life. His mother cried for a long time after she saw him in Hide's trademark make-up and hairstyle. She then had no choice but to tell him everything, the details of how she found him in the bathroom with the towel around his neck, how she could hardly bear to stand at the funeral, how she escaped Tokyo almost right after, and agreed with a broke soldier to marry him for a green card. She paid him a generous amount of money, so her son could have an American name and be forever hidden from the Japanese public's eyes.

Ethan felt tears welling up in his eyes again. He wanted to resent his father for making his mother go through all of this, but Mika begged him not to. She never believed for one second that he killed himself. They were engaged, he just bought a new house for them to live in, and he was so happy about becoming a dad. His father actually knew about him and Mika was sure that he would have never intentionally left them alone in this world. That gave him some comfort, but it also made everything all the more sad. They could have become a real family. Ethan wiped his tears away and slowly stood up. He had to wash the dye out of his hair and remove the make-up. He really didn't want to sadden his mother even more, by resembling a long dead man he never knew.

* * *

The subsequent shows went without issues, which was surprising to Jess. She grew closer to the band, was making jokes with Pata - of all people, and got to admire each member's unique qualities. Pata was always silent, but very good in assessment and generally had a very sharp eye to everything. Sugizo was fun to talk to, and had an incredible aura around him. Heath looked reserved and shy but once the ice was broken, he turned out to be a funny guy with a great sense of weird humour. Toshi was a smooth talker, bright and wise like an great uncle. Yoshiki kept his distance since their encounter on the plane but he also had his unique color. Just like the staff members noted to her, he was completely different off stage and on stage, as if he had a switch in his mind, he changed personas in a flash of a second. He looked distracted way to often, though, which did bother Toshi, as well, who admitted to Jess that during their 40 year plus friendship, he had never seen him so distracted and unstable. He would often stare into one corner of the room and not realize that someone was actually talking to him. According to Toshi, that was very much unlike Yoshiki's normal self.  

It was still uncomfortable to be alone with him, but Jess decided that she needed to make amends. She really came to like these guys, and did not want to spend the rest of the long tour being awkward around the boss. After the Asian leg of the tour they flew to Europe and they had a few days off, mainly because Yoshiki's muscles needed time to recuperate. They booked bungalows on the French riviera for the main staff, and had 3 days to relax.

Pata told her that in the old times, their lead guitarist Hide shared the hotel rooms with Yoshiki, but since their reunion, each had their own rooms alone. They had more money, and as Pata expressed, they "all grew old and grumpy and cannot bear each other's bad habits anymore. Including loud snoring", and then Pata explicitely looked at Toshi with a grin and the singer's cheeks flushed. "Sugizo talks in his dreams", he retorted cheekily and the guitarist raised his hands in a defensive manner. "Heath sleeps naked, that's worse!" They all laughed like crazy, while Yoshiki stared into the distance without a muscle moving on his face. It was truly creepy to watch.

Toshi gently nudged his friend's shoulder and Yoshiki, as if awoken from a dream, looked confused for a second. 

"What do you want?"

They all became uncomfortably silent. It was sunset, and they were sitting on the terrace of Yoshiki's bungalow, sharing drinks and snacks. It was just the band, Seita, their regular manager, Jess herself and Mick, the chief sound engineer. They were telling anecdotes of old times, played drinking games and generally just had a good time. Until now. Yoshiki's voice was uninterested, cold and without any emotion. It took the fun spirit of the night away in a breeze and some of the guys cleared their throats and excused themselves, leaving the table and returning to their own bungalows. Jess decided it was not the right time to talk to him and politely excused herself, too. Only Toshi remained, as Yoshiki continued to stare into the distance, although his eyes were concealed by large sunglasses. 

Toshi gulped down the remnants of his lemonde. He was always a bad drinker, and would rather avoid alcohol, which would further damage his already sensitive vocal chords. The cold drink flushed through his stomach, but the anxiety remained. Yoshiki was more than strange recently and he was really not feeling good about that. 

"Why don't you tell me what's going on with you? You keep silent all the time. There's something wrong, and you are not telling me", he said with apparent hurt in his voice. "We've been best friends since forever. You used to share your problems with me."

Yoshiki ran a hand through his hair and his lips tightened. 

"That was before you decided you didn't want to talk to me anymore and left to save people's souls with Masaya. Remember?"

It hurt. Toshi knew well enough that Yoshiki felt offended when he decided to leave X Japan and severe all ties with him. But Yoshiki knew exactly that he was not himself at that time. Still, he would stab at him using this as a weapon, and it hurt more than Toshi wanted to admit himself.

"Fine. You still could not forgive me, I accept that. But now you are the weird one, Yo-chan. I remember you told me after the reunion that you felt terrible you didn't recognise the signs of me drifting away and by the time you did, it was too late to do anything. That you blamed yourself for neglecting our friendship and that's why Masaya could find his way through to me. But now you are the one drifting away." Toshi's voice was almost like a whisper, loaded with pain and Yoshiki heaved a heavy sigh. He knew exactly just how painful those memories were for Toshi.

The inner turmoil he felt grew stronger and Yoshiki finally gave up the facade he built around himself. This was Toshi here, and they were alone. He took off his sunglasses and Toshi almost screamed. His eyes were sunken, red and tired, his face looked haggard and tortured. He probably had not slept at all the past couple of days, which made his on-stage performance all the more impressive. Yoshiki could do marvels by willpower alone. But he was only human, and his body was not a 20 year old's anymore.

"I need you to keep this a secret. Promise me here that you will not talk about this."

Toshi nodded and his anxiety grew. Something was off. Frighteningly off. 

"I think.... I feel like... I'm going crazy. I think... there's something with my brain.", Yoshiki said on a low voice and Toshi closed his eyes for a moment. 

"You were never normal to begin with", he tried to joke but Yoshiki didn't even smile. 

"I have... visions. I see... things... that are not there in reality".

Toshi gulped. "What exactly?"

"I see Hide. Everywhere. Even now. I see him standing at the railing at the stairs", he nodded towards Tosh's right and the other man closed his eyes in despair.

"I am aware that it is not reality. But I _see him_. Clearly, as if he were alive. He's everywhere. On stage, I don't get distracted that much, maybe because we used his hologram for so long. But off stage, this is driving me crazy, Toshi."

The singer lowered his head and just had no idea what to say. Yoshiki knew exactly what was flashing through his friend's mind. 

"I never believed in ghosts. And I am pretty sure it's not Hide's ghost. It's a vivid image I keep seeing. He also talks to me. I hear his voice in my head as clearly as I would hear him talk sitting next to me. After.... after the tour is over, I think I will need to see a doctor."

Toshi looked up at him with and understanding glance. 

"I know a good psychologist"

Yoshiki shook his head. "I don't think it's anything to do with my psyche. I rather need a neurologist, I'm afraid".


	11. Chapter 11

She didn't want to eavesdrop. She went back because she left her purse with her room key in it somewhere on the terrace. When she heard the conversation, she held her breath. So that's why Yoshiki has been so aloof the past few days. The implications of what he said struck Jess hard. Many things could induce visions, among them - brain tumor. Toshi also understood, and it was difficult for him to leave his lifelong friend alone after this confession. But Yoshiki wanted to be alone, and he complied. After Toshi left, and Yoshiki went back into the bungalow, Jess silently came forward from behind the building and as fast as she could, looked for her purse and ran back to her own room. But it was impossible to sleep. At around midnight, a thunderstorm approached, with heavy wind and lightnings struck across the sky, roaring loud. She hated thunderstorms. As she stepped to the window of her bedroom to draw the curtains, the frequent lightnings lit up the beach and she spotted him.

Unmistakably, it was Yoshiki, his blond hair unruly, the blowing wind tugging at his white shirt. He was standing at the rocks, raving into the distance, the rising tide flowing around his ankles. He was barefoot. Jess knit her brows. What was he doing there, in the middle of a thunderstorm? Was he trying to... kill himself? The thought sent shivers down her spine.

Without thinking much, she grabbed her sweater and hastily put it on. Her bungalow was closest to his, and the others were probably already sleeping. She couldn't just stand there and watch. The tide was rising quickly. She ran out to her own terrace and tried to shout out at him. 

"Yoshiki-san! Come off the rocks! It's dangerous, the tide is rising!"

He seemed to hear her, turning his head her way but he slowly turned back the sea and kept staring into the distance, as the tide rose to his knees. Jess trembled with fear. What should she do now? She could ran to Sugizo's bungalow, which was the closest to hers and try to wake him up. But by that time, the tide would rise even further and Yoshiki didn't seem to be bothered by that. He just stood there, in frightening silence, the wind tugging at his hair and clothes, as the water kept rising around his legs. By the time Sugizo could come out to help, it could be too late.

A lightning struck nearby and Jess almost screamed. She had to gather all her will to run. To run towards the man standing at the rocks. As she reached him, the tide was already around his hips, rising very quickly up. She waded into the waves behind him, put her arms around his chest and with all the physical force she could muster, pulled him out of the water, into safe distance from the rising tide. He felt almost like a ragdoll,  his muscles limp. She realized he fainted into her arms when she started pulling him off. Jess knew that it was impossible for her to bring him back to the bungalow alone. The lightnings kept striking and it started to rain heavily. Jess desperately looked around, soaked wet, and when she determined they were far enough from the tide, she ran back to the bungalows. She was also barefoot, only wearing a light white dress, and the sweater she hastily put on. She started hitting Sugizo's door with both fists until it finally opened. The guitarist was visibly shocked.

"Jess... What...?"

"I have no time to explain, please help. Yoshiki-san is lying unconscious on the beach. I cannot move him alone", she panted, her wet hair framing her delicate features as she turned around and started running off towards the beach. Sugizo had no time to ask anything, just followed her into the darkness, wearing only his pants. The rain kept pouring and as he approached the beach, he caught sight of Yoshiki lying on the ground, soaked and unconscious.

"Jesus Christ...", he whispered and ran to him and Jess, who was already kneeling beside Yoshiki. Sugizo knelt down and put his fingers on the drummer's neckline. He heaved a sigh of relief. At least, he was alive. 

"I can move him alone, just go ahead and open the door", he briefly told Jess, who nodded and without a word, ran towards Yoshiki's bungalow. Sugizo lifted the limp body and for a moment, he was astonished how light Yoshiki felt. 

* * *

"We should call the ambulance", Sugizo insisted, but Jess kept shaking her head. They were sitting in the living room of the bungalow, drying themselves with towels, while Yoshiki lay in his bed in the bedroom. His breathing and heartbeat were even. 

"You know him. He would kill us both. And it would get leaked to the media. This tour ... if we screw it up, that's going to further damage his reputation. Let's wait for him to wake up before we do anything."

Sugizo sighed. He knew she was right but he was also worried of Yoshiki's sudden collapse on the beach. It was not uncommon for him to collapse on stage after heavy drumming, but to collapse for no reason at all?

"I'll stay here for the night and watch him. We will see how his condition is in the morning. If needed, he will be hospitalised. Let's wait, please", she pleaded with him and Sugizo finally agreed. She thanked him for the rapid help and he made her promise to call him in case anything happens.

As the door closed behind Sugizo, Jess put the towel down and walked back to Yoshiki's room. He seemed to be sleeping, his chest rising and falling in a natural rhythm. His collapse on the beach further confirmed her suspicion that the man might have a tumor. She felt a lump in her throat as she watched him sleep. What was he doing on the beach? Why was he standing there in the middle of a thunderstorm?  
  
She knew that he would be very angry with her once he woke up, for she again meddled with his life, but this time, it didn't matter. Was she supposed to watch him drown? She sat down on the other side of the bed, exhausted, and decided to close her eyes just for a minute.


	12. Chapter 12

As the first rays of sunlight hit his eyelids, Yoshiki woke up. For once, he slept tight, and didn't wake up in the middle of the night. The bed felt cozy but his chest felt incredibly heavy and hot. As he opened his eyes, he froze for a second, and then started to panic. Jess Bright was sleeping sound next to him, her head lying on his chest, her disheveled, long hair covering them both, her arm threwn across him, and a very scantily clad long leg embracing his thigh. 

"What the fuck?", he murmured totally taken aback. What the hell was she doing in his bed? How did she come in? Suddenly he frowned, and gulped. Did they... do anyting last night? Maybe he was drunk and...? _No, that's impossible. I didn't drink much last night_. Besides that, they were both clothed. Clothed? Why were they lying in his bed fully dressed? The wheels were spinning in his head, trying to make sense of the impossibly awkward situation. As much as he hated to admit, he didn't feel _too_ uncomfortable, though. She smelled wonderful, a mixture of flowery scent and seasalt, and her body pressing against his own _felt good_. It's been a long time he had anyone cuddling to him at night. Yoshiki heaved a sigh and closed his eyes for a moment. _Gosh, what happened last night?_

He decided he had to somehow get up without waking her up - admittedly to avoid direct confrontation. He just felt really awkward to talk to her should she wake up on his watch. He slowly, carefully lifted her arm and tried to slip out of her embrace onto the floor. She moaned, her eyelids trembled and Yoshiki almost got a heart attack. He bit his lower lip and tried to seamlessly, carefully slide off, inch by inch, Jess' head finally sliding off his chest, onto the bedsheet, when she moaned again and in her dreamy state, threw her arm around his chest again, pulling him towards herself, further pulling her leg up on his thigh, conveniently placing it right on his crotch. As soon as he felt her leg touch his private parts, Yoshiki groaned and in an attempt to continue getting off the bed a little quicker, hit his head into the bedside table, which was followed by a harsh curse escaping his lips. He felt Jess' head lifting from his chest and he shut his eyes in despair. _Oh no! No, no, no._ She woke up.

* * *

Jess had an incredible dream. In her dream, she was cuddling a muscular body, her heartbeats synced to his, and it felt just so good. So peaceful and comforting. When she heard a strong curse and a bang, she opened her eyes and unfocused, started to wonder if she was still dreaming. A very tight-lipped Yoshiki came into her focal point once she regained her sight, and she suddenly saw themselves, entangled on his bed, her embracing his upper body and as her eyes shifted down she almost screamed. Her leg was covering his lap, and his very noticable, hard bulge pressed against her thigh. She immediately let him out of her grip and pulled her leg as fast as she could, grabbing the blanket and pulling it up to her chest, moving to the other end of the bed holding her breath. How did she end up embracing him? She must have fallen asleep when she came in to watch over him at night. She had this habit of squeezing the pillow and the blanket into a tight embrace while sleeping, but since the other end of the bed was occupied, instead of the blanket, she unconsciously must have grabbed Yoshiki in her sleep. _Holy smokes!_

As Yoshiki opened his eyes again, he saw just how terrified she looked, crouching at the far end of the bed, on the verge of crying. A first, as a self defense, he wanted to scold her, shout at her, preach to her about intruding into his privacy, but seeing her reaction he realized she didn't possibly do it on purpose. However, he still needed an explanation of why and how she ended up in his bed. Well, after he took care of his throbbing member. The physical closeness of her body started chain reactions in his, and he had to take a cold shower to make his erection go away. He sighed desperately and got up from the bed, aiming at the bathroom. 

"You'd better still be here when I come back from showering. I want an explanation," he said not even looking back at her. Not out of cruelty, simply he couldn't face her while his cock was throbbing in pain. 

* * *

The minutes Yoshiki spent in the bathroom, the sound of running water seeping through, felt like years. Jess was in utter panic at first. How will she explain this? Her heart was beating irregularly and she felt tears welling up in her, squeezing the back of her throat. Ever since that incident on the plane, she spent her nights wondering about him. She grew to like him, despite all his odd antics. However cold he appeared to be, after that night she knew that this man grappled with frightening loneliness, excruciating nightmares and the mask he so carefully painted for the world to see, hid a man who craved to be loved but never let himself the luxury of such feelings. That night, as she watched him sleep before herself fell into the river of dreams, she noticed how different he looked when nightmares spared his sleep. He was calm, his skin smoothed out, and he looked beautiful, with his long eyelashes casting a long shadow in the light radiating from the bedside lamp. She wondered then, for a brief moment, before falling asleep, what it would be to like to hold him in her arms.

She decided to pull herself together, she couldn't possibly fall apart just now. She was a manager, her job was to solve problems, and she could not afford to be unable to solve this one. She did not do anything wrong, and Yoshiki must also know this.

When he came out of the bathroom, he was not surprised to see an empty room. He thought it could be just way too embarrasing for her to talk to him right then and he sighed. It took him more than 10 minutes under really cold water to finally calm down, stop his boiling blood and get rid of his aching erection. He was a healthy man, and contrary to what many believed because of his soft-spokenness and outragous clothing, he was not gay. But the last time he touched a woman was more than 16 years ago. Those were one night stands with pretty models, drunk encounters at parties, where he wanted to drink himself into oblivion after X Japan fell apart, he lost his best friend and Hide died. He desperately looked for any cure, anything that could momentarily distract him from suicidal thoughts. That's why he composed day and night, partied whenever he could, and slept with women whose names he didn't even remember the next day. 

After a while, as the pain subsided and his mind cleared up, he realized it was pointless to try to ruin himself or to expect salvation from sleeping with unknown women. He gradually hermited himself into his own little world of music, closed himself into walls he built, put his mask of strong, invincible Yoshiki on and lived on. He worked day and night, and after a while, he lost interest in pursuing any woman seriously. Nobody would be able to understand him, anyways, and he was way to complicated and way too difficult for anyone to handle. He had his needs, of course, but saw one night stands as pointless. When he really needed to release stress and his body ached for relief, he masturbated. It didn't happen often and it wasn't anything pleasurable, just a necessity of easing the tension in his body. It's been a realy long time that he let himself be aroused by a woman. 

He heaved another, deep sigh and dressed up, this time didn't bother with his wardrobe and just pulled some grey jogging pants up and put on a white T-shirt. He decided to get some breakfast before he would attempt to talk to Jess again. As he entered the kitchen, he was taken aback to find her there, arranging cutlery on the table. She was wearing a light blue summer dress, and Yoshiki realized she went to her bungalow to change clothes. The fact that she came back and didn't hide from him appealed to him. This was one strong woman. As he stepped in, she nodded to him and he repeated the move. She cleared her throat.

"I ordered some breakfast from the hotel, I thought we might want to eat something while we talk. Later we have to join the others in the main lobby and won't have time to eat anything," she said on a low but firm voice and despite himself, Yoshiki smiled. 

"Thank you for being considerate", he said in Japanese and thanked for the food as well, as he sat down and started to eat. As he looked at the breakfast, he relaized she took care not to include any carbohydrates, as he was on a strict diet when on tour. Salmon, salad, eggs, water. He looked up and couldn't hide his amazement. 

"You even thought about my diet. Wow"

She blushed a little, as she took a bite of her own salad. "This is part of my job, to be a good observer. I see what you normally eat during the day. I thought you wouldn't want the continental breakfast anyways."

Yoshiki laughed out and this time she looked surprised. 

"You are not angry with me...?", she asked almost whispering. He shook his head. 

"No. I'm sure you had a good reason to end up in my bed, although it is a bit difficult to imagine a rational reason for that. I'm curious how that happened", he said, piercing his fork through a piece of salmon, and eating it cheerfully. A few minutes before he was agonizing about how to confront her, but now he was feeling like a bird flying in bright sunshine, exceptionally cheerful and content. The salmon was also amazingly tasty. 

She bit her lower lip and put her cutlery down.


	13. Chapter 13

Silence was palpable as the tour bus rolled on towards Paris, with now everyone dozing off, snuggling cosily against the comfortable, large seats. Toshi was snoring, and Yoshiki gave a faint smile remembering the conversation they had at the bungalow just the day before about his snoring habits. Sure thing, they all got old. A bunch of old guys dressed in leather. He was watching the green scenery float by, his chin resting on his hand on the window-pane.

His mind wandered off to the breakfast conversation with Jess and he heaved a sigh. Her explanation was wild, and yet made a lot of sense. He thought he had been dreaming when he found himself at the brink of the seaside rocks and thought he had seen Hide screaming at him, when in reality it was Jess. He easily could have died there. Jess saved his life. They didn’t mention anyting about their morning accident, Jess apparently trying to behave professionally – although she looked flustered. Yoshiki decided not to force the conversation further, and since they all boarded the bus, they had no chance to talk to each other. She was buried into her tablet, making last minute arrangements while the band members and the accompanying staff decided to take a nap. Once they arrive in Paris, their hands will be full, anyways.

One thing was curious, though, and Yoshiki could not wrap his mind around it just yet. While he involuntarily spent the night with Jess, and the following morning, too, Hide did not appear in front of his eyes. Only after they boarded the bus, did he start to see him again, sitting next to Toshi across in the other row. He appeared to be dozing off, like everyone else; pink locks falling into his eyes, an oversized knitted pullover draping him. Sadness flowed through Yoshiki as he realized this was the last tour bus encounter of him, towards the then last stop of the Dahlia tour, on the way to Nagoya in 1996. He tried to close his eyes and sleep a little, but he was unable to rest. He opened his eyes again and stubbornly fixed them to the scenery gliding by in the sunlight.

* * *

Jess was still trembling as she pretended to be really busy with her tablet. As much as she was able to pull herself together for the breakfast, to present a better image of herself to her temporary boss, her heart was racing crazy fast during the whole time. At least he didn’t appear to be angry or moody and that was a relief. He thanked her for saving his life the previous night. That was unexpected and for a moment she wasn’t sure if this was the same man who furiously demanded her not to meddle with him, even if it was a life or death situation. Yoshiki was like a double-edged sword, and you would never know which side you were facing.

She could not forget what happened in the morning, because it was too embarrassing. Not because an accident happened, it can happen. But because she felt way too comfortable embracing him. It came so naturally and felt so natural she still had goosebumps on her skin. No matter how hard she tried to shake it off, the feeling returned every time she laid her eyes on him. It frustrated the professional in her, while the woman in her trembled with expectation, even though she was not stupid to believe anything could really have happened, even if he physically seemed to respond to her presence. She also kept thinking about what she accidentally overheard the previous evening and she was trying to put the pieces together. She was way more worried about him than it was suitable for a professional manager worried of a client. Uneasiness settled in her, as she tried to get her mind off Yoshiki by listening to unrelated music - to no avail.


	14. Chapter 14

The concert preparation was a disaster. Jess was running up and down, from technical crews to security to stage management. Nothing worked as planned. During the rehearsal, Sugizo’s hydrogen cell powered system that provided electricity for his guitars and amplifiers, broke down and an emergency Skype call had to be arranged with Honda technicians in Tokyo, who would instruct local French technicians in broken English on how to repair it, because – of course – Sugizo declined to just switch back to normal electricity supply, arguing that his guitars were tuned to the new system and he wasn’t willing to re-tune them again. Then, when they finally solved the issue, they had problems managing the gate opening and ticket reading machines properly, which resulted in a good 30 minutes delay of the show. By the time the band actually started playing, Jess was beyond exhausted. She usually watched the show, or at least part of it, but now she just found herself a remote place in the backstage and closed her burning eyes.

Thankfully, and curiously, Yoshiki was calm all through the turmoil and conducted the staff like a real boss, with a strong hand and unyielding mind. He didn’t flip that Sugizo was stubborn about his eco friendly power system, and managed not to yell too much at the venue managers for the gate issues, although he did give them a piece of his mind. They were not too happy afterwards, that’s sure.

The rest of the concert went without much issues, apart from a forcible 15 minute break when Yoshiki literally collapsed after the second act like a crumbling building, as soon as he reached the backstage stairs. He was out of breath and the team physician put on an oxygen mask for him for about 5 minutes before he signalled that he was okay again. Jess witnessed his collapse for the first time, and Toshi warned her that this was a sign that the tour was becoming too exhausting for his body and she should take further measures for the rest of the concerts, because there would be more collapses, happening more frequently. Besides the team doctor, Yoshiki’s LA physician might have to be flown in, too.

It was difficult for her to watch all that, and she had to take deep breaths and regulate her heartbeats with mental exercises not to lose her cool and start crying. After Yoshiki’s incredible willpower won against his body once again, and he returned to the stage for his drum solo – another exhausting piece – she escaped through the back door of the backstage to get some fresh air and collect herself. The door opened to a small back street used by the technicians, closed off to traffic, but it provided enough fresh air for her to clear her mind. There, where nobody could see her, she let her tears flow.

* * *

A glass of whiskey appeared out of nowhere, as she was sitting on some discarded boxes near the back door, her head bent down as she silently cried. She looked up and was surprised to see Pata, offering her the glass with a smile. For a moment she hesitated, but then grabbed the glass and shot the burning liquid down.

"Thank you", she whispered, giving the glass back to the guitarist and wiping away her tears with one hand. He nodded, sat down besides her and casually lit a cigarette. They had around 10 minutes before he would have to get back to the stage after Yoshiki’s solo.

For a minute or two they were just sitting there, with Pata slowly dragging on his cigarette and puffing the smoke into the night breeze.

"What you’re doing is dangerous", he suddenly said, his voice a little hoarse from the smoke. She frowned, not getting what he meant.

"Yoshiki", he nodded towards the direction of the stage.

"You’re falling for him. That’s dangerous", he continued and Jess felt her tears bubbling up again, making her turn her head away from the guitarist. As much as he never really talked to anyone, he was quicker to realize things than anyone else around him.

"Why is it dangerous?", she whispered with an embarrased laugh, trying to hide her trembling hand.

Pata didn’t answer for a few moments, puffing more smoke, and then finally stubbed the cigarette under his right foot and heaved a sigh.

"Because he doesn’t know how to love someone other than himself. The only person he ever loved… not in a … how do you say… Not in a sexual way, but just… love for a human being, you know? It was Hide. Because Hide understood him like nobody else. Not even Toshi was ever able to understand his crazy mind, you know? I’ve known him for … what? Like 35 years now? He never truly loved a woman before. You will hurt yourself. And he will hurt you. Not… willingly. But he will. Because he never learnt how to love… or how not to be lonely. How do you teach this to someone who lived half a century without love? You’re a nice woman, and you work hard. Don’t let it get ruined. Yoshiki will… never change".

Pata gave an encouraging smile to her and left her alone with her thoughts and tears.


	15. Chapter 15

 Jess was tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep, her mind still helplessly analyzing what Pata said to her. Was she really falling in love? Or was she just infatuated with Yoshiki's incredibly magnetic being? This never happened to her before, to be so attached and drawn to any of the artists she worked with, although she had had the chance to work with some of her personal favourites. As she was nervously biting her lips, she suddenly heard rumbling at her door, someone tugging at the handle, and low sounds of cursing. She immediately recognized the voice. Yoshiki. 

Jess sat up, her heart beating irregularly. What is he doing at her doorstep? He started banging at the door, and she quickly rose to her feet, switched on the lights and rushed to open it. Maybe it's an emergency?

He was standing there, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, bare chested, in socks, his hair deshiveled, looking like a hobo off the streets. There were dark circles around his eyes and he reeked of alcohol. Jess felt her heart almost jump out of her ribcage when he just pushed the door in, and without a word, let himself in, walking straight to her bed on shaky feet and sat down, looking miserable. Then he started to take off his socks, unable to grab his toes a couple of times and wobbling from one side to another, not finding his balance in his intoxicated state. For a few moments, Jess was just standing there at the still open door of her Paris hotel room and stared at him unwilling to believe the sight. 

When she realized he was trying to undress, she shut the door and ran to him, trying to pull him up from the bed.

"No, no, no! What are you doing? For God's sake, you need to go back to your room and sleep there. You're drunk. I'll get a staff member to help you back to your room, okay?"

Yoshiki kept shaking his head and freed himself of her arms. 

"I will sleep here. Right here," he tapped the bed and went on pulling his socks off. Jess closed her eyes for a second and sighed in despair. A sassy boss was one thing, a sassy drunk boss about to occupy her bed was another.

"Yoshiki-san, you're drunk... you should sleep in your own bed. This is not your room."

He looked up for a second from his incredibly difficult and meticulous task of trying to pull a remaining sock off, and shook his head again.

"I don't want to go there. I sleep here", he mumbled and managed to get the sock off his foot, flinging it over his shoulder. Trying to keep his balance, he started to unbutton his jeans. 

Jess closed her eyes again and bit her lips. This wasn't exactly how she dreamt about seeing him undress. He was fully wasted and apparently very much incapable of making serious decisions. 

"Yoshiki-san...", she began again but he waved an arm to cut her off. 

"I see Hide everywhere. Every fucking where", he said on a hoarse voice and bent over, as if he had abdominal pain. 

"The only time I don't see ... when you with me", he whispered in broken grammar, not being able to focus on his English. 

"Please... let me sleep in your room...," he said, still bending over, shaking a little and Jess felt her tears coming up. She wished she could just hug him tight and tell him that everything would be all right.

"All right", she answered hesitating, "we can change rooms, I'll get my stuff and I'll sleep over in your room then...," she agreed and turned around to start packing, but Yoshiki grabbed her arm and pulled her to him, the way she found herself standing right between his legs, his arms around her waist and he looked up to her, with pleading eyes, like a small boy asking his mommy not to leave him alone at night.

"It's not the room. _You_ make him go away. Need to sleep. Please, please stay."

She was unable to resist him and finally nodded. He smiled a little, his arms dropped from her waist and she quickly moved away not to feel the heat radiating from his body being so close to hers. He went about pulling his jeans off, and she almost turned her head away in embarrasement but her curiosity won over her. With flushed cheeks, she watched as he completely undressed and silently climbed under the bedsheet, almost immediately falling asleep in his drunken state. 

For minutes afterwards, she was unable to even move, contemplating if she should sleep on the floor, but she gathered all her courage and decided that she wouldn't behave like a virgin who never slept beside a man. Her heart kept pounding loud as she laid down next to him and switched off the lights. For long minutes she was just listening to his slowing breathing which cradled her into sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning. Sex scene ahead. :)

Yoshiki opened his eyes to the first ray of sunshine, and the bright light sneaking in through the curtain made him squint. As he lay there completely awake now, he realized that again, he slept through the night, without waking once. It was certainly not the effect of alcohol - he had been drunk before many times. As his mind cleared up from the sleep clouds, he also realized one more thing: that this was not his room. He frowned for a moment and raised himself on one elbow. As he caught sight of the woman sleeping next to him, memories suddenly flushed through his mind and he silently cursed. Again, he made a complete fool of himself in front of this woman. 

For a minute or two he just watched her sleep, completely drawn into the sight. She was a beautiful woman. He never really asked her age but he guessed she was in her thirties. She looked young enough as she was sleeping curled up on one side, facing him, her arms holding onto the pillow, completely crushing it to her body. Yoshiki smiled, as he remember their last such encounter, when she was holding his body in the same manner. She did, indeed sleep like this all the time, then. 

Suddenly, with a moan, she woke up, and fixed her dreamy eyes on him. Yoshiki could tell she probably thought she was dreaming. She smiled, and hummed, stretching her arms out, the movement making her breasts more defined under her shiny silk night gown. 

He had no idea why and how, but he leaned over and planted a soft kiss on her lips, which surprised her. Maybe this was really just a dream, for both of them. He continued to kiss her, more firmly and with more passion, and she responded, folded her arms around his neck, pulling his body down. 

He had no idea why and how, but it just happened. Their soft moans deepened and he found himself pulling her night gown up and over her head, exposing her velvet skin to his large hands, which in turn explored every inch within reach, followed by his lips wetting newly discovered skin. Her breathing quickened, while he tasted her nipples and belly button, gently pulling her panties off, sliding his hands down her long legs as he got rid of the unnecessary fabric. 

Her thighs trembled as his fingers found their way and her body arched a little when he tasted her, she entwined her fingers in his long blond locks, pulling on his hair as he relentlessly continued to nibble at her most sensitive parts. Yoshiki began to groan as his desire grew each second. He hadn't felt such uncontrollable desire for a long time, it was almost unbearable, the throbbing pain in his cock drove him almost crazy. She was more than welcoming when he finally entered her and joined his rhythm, folding her arms around his neck, and kissing him with such passion he couldn't help but drive their sweet dance even faster.

It was exhilarating and they were both out of breath when it ended. Yoshiki felt his body fall on her, her arms and legs holding him tight, her fingers caressing his hair wet with their sweat. He never felt such inner peace before, and closing his eyes, he tried to withhold his tears. It was like a homecoming after years and years of aimless wandering in deserted places. He didn't want to open his eyes again and be X Japan's Yoshiki again.  He desperately wished to just be able to stay there, where he was, in the arms of this woman, for as long as it was physically possible to be. 


	17. Chapter 17

Reality crushed on them quick and hard, as soon as Jess' mobile sounded the alarm clock, precisely at 7am. The ringtone was the intro of _Jade_ and Yoshiki lifted his head. She tried to shut her alarm as quickly as possible, reaching out to the nightstand with one arm, while he involuntarily lifted his body and slid to his side of the bed. It truly was the most awkward moment in his life, he had no idea what to say or do, staring at the wrinkled blanket in front of him as if it were able to give him some answer.

Jess looked equally embarrassed and helpless. She had no clue how she could let this happen. She wanted to blame him, but deep inside she was aware that once she felt his touch on her skin, she was already lost. She wanted this to happen, there and then, not willing to think about consequences, to think about tomorrow. But she was not a fool, she knew exactly that whatever happened between them in that sweet hour, will never repeat itself, nor will he ever give his heart to her along with his body. 

As she glanced up, Yoshiki was already pulling his jeans up. He collected his socks that were lying around in different corners of the room and finally turned to her. He looked apologetic. Jess closed her eyes for a second, as despair flushed through her veins, piercing reality into her mind. He regrets it. Of course, he does. It was a mistake and Yoshiki hates mistakes. 

"About this night...", he started hesitantly but Jess interrupted him, pulling the blanked around her body and getting up. 

"Please don't worry about it. I'm still under the secrecy agreement I signed. You were drunk, and I made a mistake. It's not going to happen again, please rest assured." She sounded firm and cold and Yoshiki slowly nodded. He turned around and left the room silently, leaving Jess alone with her tears he couldn't see. 

* * *

Obviously, they made a mistake. He made a mistake. Yoshiki was sitting on the couch in his room fully dressed in his usual rockstar attire, with his sunglasses covering his eyes, and hiding his emotions. The stylist was doing her last rounds of hairspray and fixing unruly locks into perfection but he could only think about the happenings of the previous hour. He let his guards down, he let his emotions rule his willpower. He was not stupid, nor was he blind to his surroundings, he noticed that she started to like him. And he had to admit, he was drawn to her, like bees to honey.

The previous period was heavy on his mind and body, exhausted him mentally and physically and for a moment, he let loose. He drank too much, and in that drunken state, all he could think about was not wanting to see Hide. As soon as he stepped into her room, Hide was gone, and as soon as he came back to his own room this morning, he was there again. Crouching in the opposite corner, silently, his eyes smiling. _Why are you smiling, my friend?_  

Hide seemed to smirk a little, with that signature half-smile of his, and rested his chin on his palm, cheekily peeking out of the corner. _You like her._ Yoshiki heard his voice, crystal clear and shivers went down his spine. _It's all good, Yo-chan. You can like her. It's time for your to heal_. He was gone that moment, and Yoshiki kept staring at the corner, ignoring the hairdresser's comment about being finished. 

"Yoshiki-san?", she repeated gently, and Yoshiki now absentmindendly turned to her. "Yes?"

"We are done."

"Oh... Yes. Thank you", he stood up, checking himself in the large mirror that was brought to his room upon his special request to the hotel management. It was time for them to move to the next city but he was unsure how he would face Jess again after this morning. 


	18. Chapter 18.

Jess kept her distance. She did her job as best she could, and tried to avoid having unnecessary conversation with Yoshiki. He seemed to accept the situation and most of the time didn't even look her way. It hurt. It hurt more than she would be willing to admit to anyone. She would weep at night sometimes, feeling terribly lonely in her hotel room, her skin longing for the touch she would never feel again.

The demanding tour had its toll on his body. He would collapse more frequently after the shows, and the team doctor ordered more painkiller shots and applied ice packing in between sets. It was obvious, that Yoshiki's body was giving up, and it was only due to his incredibly strong will that he was still able to drum and play the piano every night for three hours. Jess felt her heart growing heavier every time she witnessed his suffering. She wanted to step up and slap him in the face and scream at him for being such an idiot, for undergoing so much pain just to play. But she knew it would all be in vain.

* * *

 

Ethan decided to go to the New York show of X Japan. After he discovered the truth about his father, he wanted to see them play even more. He kept it a secret from his mother, he knew she would be upset. She wanted to close that phase of her life, and distance herself from everything Hide represented. Ethan understood this, but at the same time, he thought his mother wanted to do something impossible. It was impossible, because she had him. He will forever remind her of Hide, no matter what.

He was amazed at the crowd, many of them were not Asians, as he would have expected, and a lot of these fans were dressed up in costumes inspired by the band. A lot of Hide look-alikes were walking around. It somehow made him proud, that these people, who have never seen Hide perform live, are still keeping his memory.

He was swept up in the mood of the crowd, as the band started playing, and he thoroughly enjoyed the show. At one point, Yoshiki played the piano and Toshi sang the incredibly sad song "Without You", dedicated to Hide. It was heartbreaking, and people standing near Ethan started crying, holding little Hide dolls. It was a surreal experience for him. They played a video tribute to Hide and the other band member, Taiji, who died two decades later. Fans wept and screamed. As he walked out of the Garden, he was deeply moved, a turmoil of emotions inside him. This band was huge, and his father used to stand on that stage with those guys, playing this music.

Ethan couldn't sleep that night. He was sitting on the rooftop, watching the blinking stars, suddenly longing for a father he never had.


	19. Chapter 19

He was there, all along. Sitting right opposite him, without make-up or a fancy hairdo, wearing a pair of pale jeans and and a sleeveless tee, his hair dishiveled. He rarely wore clothes that showed his arms, and Yoshiki couldn't help but stare at the blue rose tattoo on his biceps. Hide was smoking, and Yoshiki wasn't sure if he was hallucinating, dreaming or remembering an actual scene from the past. The after party of the New York show rolled on, as he sat in a corner, on a leather couch, drinking red wine and staring at the opposite couch. Fortunately, people didn't realize that, since he was wearing dark sunglasses. He told everyone to leave him alone. Hide had something to say, he was sure. After minutes of silence, the guitarist gave a faint, sad smile. 

"You know, we never talked about these things before. Well, you never wanted to."

Yoshiki frowned and felt a lump in his throat. His hallucinations grew weirder and weirder every day. They were so realistic, so frighteningly vivid, that he felt like he could almost touch hide on the other side. He could even smell his characteristic after-shave, a smell he has not encountered since hide's passing in 1998. Yoshiki pressed his lips together. 

"Family, you know", hide's hallucinatory image bent forward and looked Yoshiki staright in the eye, even through his dark sunglasses, he felt it - and he started to shiver.

"I know you never wanted one. Your dad, and everything. And then... I died, too. I know it was tough on your mental health. You never talked to me, you know? Apart from music, I mean. You shithead, you never told me how important I was to you". Hide swearing was nothing new, but this sentence still hit Yoshiki in the heart, like an icey wind, squeezing his lungs until he felt like fainting from the lack of oxygen, as if a large vacuum sucked out every tiny bit of air from the room.

"It's time, Yo-chan. It's time you finally forgave yourself. It's time you finally gave yourself a chance. To live. You need to fucking live, you moherfucker, you hear me? You need to live, for me, for my son I could never raise, you owe me this much, Princess..."

That's all Yoshiki could hear, as the world started fading into black and suddenly noises dropped.

* * *

 He heard a woman crying. Someone was calling his name, he felt something wet on his cheek. Noises gradually became louder, and his eyes popped open. It took him a good minute to realise he was lying on the floor of the club, his upper body propped up against the couch, and someone's arms holding him tight. A hand was wiping unruly locks out of his face. As his eyes regained focus, he saw her. It was Jess, her beautiful face a swollen mess of tears and smears of dark eyeshadow. 

"Thank God, oh my... Thank you, thank you", she whispered and planted a kiss on his forehead, not caring about all the people stading around them watching in astonishment. 

All he could groan out was a faint "why?" and Jess gently caressed his face in response. 

"We thought you... you almost... died", she whispered, tears dwelling up in her eyes again. 

"You fainted but... your heart wasn't... beating. I thought... I thought we lost you. And the doctor was not in the room...". 

Yoshiki tried to make sense of the words, and tried to pull himself up from the ground, but that moment, his team doctor, Chris hurriedly pushed himself through the crowd and kneeled beside him.

"I go for a walk to clear my head and of course you collapse. What happened?", he asked while he started checking his pulse and the white of his eyes. 

"His heart stopped... He wasn't breathing for two minutes", Jess whispered, still kneeling on the other side, now her hands dropped into her lap. Chris frowned, while checking Yoshiki's pulse again.

"Are you sure?"

Jess nodded and Yoshiki sighed. "Don't tell me I'm really a vampire and I don't have a pulse", he said half-jokingly, but Chris wasn't laughing. 

"Your pulse is normal. Your eyes are clear and focus well. If your heart stopped and your were not breathing for 2 minutes, your state is abnormal right now...", he looked at Jess asking for confirmation, but Toshi, squatting next to them a few metres further, spoke up.

"He really didn't... have a heartbeat. And no breathing. I tried to do CPR but ... not working", he said in English and then he switched to Japanese and cursed. "You frightened us, you stupid asshole! I really thought you were gone this time!" He stood up and turned away, his jaws tight, hiding tears behind his sunglasses. "Stupid moron", he grumbled on a low voice and walked away.

Yoshiki saw a very pale Sugizo nearby nodding to him gently and then following Toshi hurriedly. Pata and Heath were apparently not in the room. Seita, their manager hurriedly dispersed the crowd and then asked Chris if they should cancel the ambulance. Chris responded that since witnesses said his breathing really did stop for a long time, they should better do a checkup in the hospital. Yoshiki didn't object this time. He patiently endured his doctor's scolding while staring at the opposite wall - where hide was standing silently, his hands in his pockets, pouting. 

"I told you, you need to live."


	20. Chapter 20

They usually didn't hold after parties. Not full-blown, drinking, socializing ones, but the New York show was important, many of their celebrity friends attended, and business partners from around the US. Of course, media reps were there too, and soon visual kei, J-rock and general music websites were abuzz with the news of Yoshiki's collapse and hospitalization. The PR department was busy denying rumours of his death and the tour being halted. Jess had to pull herself together, as the tour manager, she needed to make sure that promoters in other cities got satisfactory answers. 

Of course, the tour would go on. Thankfully, the next stop in Chicago would only be in 3 days, which Yoshiki deemed ample time to recover from his "small accident" at the after party. Chris requested a full checkup and their good friend, Dr. Stevens, the only doctor that knew Yoshiki's ailments in and out, advised them to contact a local expert of neurology to check him, after Yoshiki privately confessed to him on the phone about his hallucinations. 

They couldn't talk, after he was hospitalized, as someone was always with him, Yoshiki being the boss he is, giving orders and working even from his hospital bed, his camera guy recording everything for his Japanese channel, and of course, for Instagram. He felt like he had to let the fans know, things were going well, and they wouldn't need to worry about the tour ending abruptly. She would sometimes stand by the door of his VIP room and watch him work for a few minutes. Sometimes he would catch her eyes, but immediately look away.

She knew that she behaved in an unprofessional way when she saw Toshi give up the CPR and sit there numb whispering, "he's dead". She was no longer their tour manager, she became just a woman, a woman in love. Yes, she finally had to admit herself, that she loved him. Despite all of his flaws, all of his mannerisms and despite knowing he would never reciprocate her feelings. She just sat there holding him, crying, desperately trying to revive him.

* * *

Catching a glimpse of her every now and then made him feel content. Even if they could not be alone and talk, just knowing she was checking up on his state, made him feel good. He was still unsure how to react to her presence, and the now obvious fact that she had feelings for him. He never really cared about earthly love. He always thought that 'love' as a notion was something he expressed in his songs, something that whispered to him through musical notes in his head, that he would scribe down hastily on paper and what his band mates would bring to life through their instruments. 

Dating was just a social norm that was expected of someone with his status. The rumours kept him in the spotlight when he had nothing to release, and they would add mystery to his image. That's why he wouldn't deny such rumours, whether there was a woman or a man involved. Let people think whatever they want, was always his motto. The women he dated were usually pretty, young models, and never lasted long. It was easy to walk the red carpet with him and get in celebrity news, but it was far more difficult to actually be with him, and potentially put up with all his flaws, including his workaholism. Music had always been everything to him. 

Now, that the night settled in, his staff went back to the hotel, visitor hours being over, he remained there in the large VIP room, all alone with hide. He got used to hide's presence, or what his brain perceived as presence. Maybe he was talking to his own subconscious all along? Whatever it was, he looked and spoke like hide. Like right now, sitting opposite him, riding a chair backwards, looking serious, which was odd for his personality. 

"You know, Yo-chan... I think it is time for you to actually confess to yourself. All these years... You have been lonely. I know. Because I know you like no one does. I know... that you are still blaming yourself. For Toshi, for me... your dad."

Yoshiki closed his eyes, but that didn't make hide go away. He still heard his voice, and as he reopened his eyes, hide was still there, sitting like he was before, his chin resting on his arms on the back of the chair. 

"You know what your fucking problem is? That you don't talk about your problems. And you know it. You didn't talk to Toshi, because you were sooooo preoccupied in your own realm, that you forgot you had a friend. A friend who actually needed your help. And when you realized it, it was already too late. He was gone. Zooom, he was just scooped up by that jerk and you let it happen. You still blame yourself for it. Then why... why did you never tell this to him? Why didn't you go up to Toshi after he came back, and confessed to him, that "hey, I'm sorry, I should have watched out for you, I should have kept your back, I should have beaten that bastard into a fucking pulp". Why didn't you ever ask Toshi to forgive you? So you could finally forgive yourself, too?"

Yoshiki felt a lump in his throat and turned away, closing his eyes, trying to tuck himself in with the blanket, closing hide off completely. His eyes were burning. His whole body was burning.

"I can't speak for Toshi-chan. But I can speak for myself. What happened to me, was never your fault, Yo-chan. You didn't drag me into X. I made my own decisions. Just like you make yours. It's been 20 years, mate. It's time to let me go."

The last words were whispers and he suddenly felt a light touch on his forehead. Frightened, he opened his eyes and sat up, but the room was empty. The chair was gone.


	21. Chapter 21

Ethan quickly scanned his essay through one more time, while Professor McPherson was on the phone. He often visited the professor at the hospital where he worked as a leading neurologist. The prof liked him, he was a top student, although not yet eligible to choose a specialization or think about medical clerkship yet, as officially he was only a 3rd year student. The professor, however, strongly encouraged him to visit regularly, as he saw the potential in Ethan, who progressed much faster in his studies, than regular medical students, despite his age. He was also really interested in neurology, and already knew he would want to work in this field. 

"Sorry, Ethan. I have a VIP patient I need to attend to. We might have to discuss your essay a little later", the professor looked apologetic but Ethan nodded.

"It's alright. I can come back later. Is it a difficult case?", he asked out of curiosity, and the prof burst out in a smile.

"You love my cases, I know. But this time, I am not allowed to share any details. It's a top star...", he whispered in the end, and winked. Ethan chuckled. Professor McPherson was a round, chubby guy who looked more like a doughnut vendor than a serious physician, and that was exactly why Ethan liked him the most. 

"Your mom is Japanese, right?", the professor asked suddenly and Ethan nodded, standing up to leave.

"She might have heard about this patient then. He's apparently famous in Japan."

Ethan frowned. Could it be that the patient is Yoshiki? Ethan heard about his collapse and hospitalization, but the news did not specify which hospital he was taken to. 

"Yoshiki Hayashi?"

The professor nodded in surprise. "Yeah, how did you...?"

"I was there at the concert 2 days ago, after which he collapsed. I didn't know he was brought here, though."

The professor looked serious at this point, putting his glasses on. "You need to promise me, Ethan, that you cannot tell anyone he's here. We are handling him as top VIP. If any gossip leaks out.... the hospital and my reputation will suffer, too."

Ethan smiled. "You know me, professor. I'm not a big talker. And I know my duties, as a future medical practitioner. You can count on me." 

Professor McPherson patted him on the back, as they both left his office.

* * *

Because he was the prof's favourite student, everyone in the VIP ward already knew him. He would sometimes accompany McPherson to certain cases, to learn. Some VIP patients were off limits, of course, but because the hospital allowed him to be there, nobody blinked an eye, when he silently followed the professor to the ward. He somehow wanted to be around the X Japan leader. Part of him was curious why the best neurologist of the country was called in for him, and part of him also worried a little. Even if he didn't know Yoshiki personally, he somehow felt close to him. Maybe because of all the Youtube videos he watched, and maybe because the drummer was his father's friend. He couldn't go in to the VIP room, of course, but he waited in the VIP lounge, hoping to get a glimpse into the room. Surprisingly, there were no bodyguards, or even anyone that looked like belonging to an entertainment agency around. 

The room was silent as doctor McPherson was checking the results of various tests and diagnostic imaging they commissioned that day. The only person in the room with Yoshiki was Toshi. Yoshiki felt like he needed someone to be there with him, and the only one who knew why he requested a neurologist was Toshi. The singer was sitting on the large sofa, hiding behind his usual sunglasses, while the doctor turned to Yoshiki after examining all the data. 

"I will be honest with you, Mr Hayashi. All your test results are... negative."

Yoshiki frowned, and Toshi also bent forward in surprise. 

"What do you mean...? I don't have anything?"

Professor McPherson heaved a deep sigh. 

"Your results show that you are perfectly healthy. Well, apart from your spine and muscle issues, you don't have any neurological problems. The CT scans show normal brain activity. You don't have a tumor. Or any other physical disorder that could cause your hallucinations. Honestly, you are in better physical shape than I ever will be, sir."

Yoshiki looked confused as he started fiddling with his hair, trying to make sense of the words he just heard. 

"Then... what happened to me at the after party? My friend Toshi", motioned toward the singer, "can confirm that apparently I didn't breathe".

Toshi nodded, "We did CPR for 2 minutes. Then he came back on his own".

The professor listened silently and then hummed. 

"We did a full check up, and we cannot detect anything that could cause such an event. Medically, I would say, it's impossible that you were not breathing for minutes. That leaves traces in your lungs and respiratory system, as well the levels of carbon dioxide in your blood rise. As strange as it may seem, I cannot give you a medical explanation of what happened to you there. Your blood test is simply put... _perfect_. We could show it as an example for our medical students. It's flawless. Your organs function well. Your lungs show traces of a smoker's past, but even if I consider that, they are pretty clean and should support you for another 50 years at least, if you don't suddenly start to chain-smoke again, that is", he joked smiling and patted Yoshiki's back. 

"All in all, Mr Hayashi, you are healthy as a horse. If the hallucinations continue, I would suggest to try psychotherapy, because neurologically, you are fine."


	22. Chapter 22

They were sitting in silence for minutes after the doctor left, digesting what they just heard. Finally, Toshi stood up, putting his rose patterned silk scarf around his neck, ready to go.

"Well, it's a relief that you are healthy", he said smiling lightly, as he reached for his bag. "You should really think about meeting a therapist, maybe. Those hide hallucinations might really come down to psychological issues."

Yoshiki pressed his lips together, looking away from Toshi. 

"So, I'm just crazy, that's it?"

"Oh come on, don't get worked up", Toshi sighed. "You were never normal, to begin with. But hey, at least try to see the bright side of things, you don't have brain cancer. And whatever it was that made you stop breathing two days ago, it's obviously out of your system. It's a relief." 

He stopped by the bed on his way out, lightly touching Yoshiki's shoulder. 

"I'm glad, you are fine. Stop scaring the shit out of us, will you?", he chuckled and stepped towards the door. As he turned his back to his friend, he suddenly heard the low sounds of sniffling. He looked back behind his shoulder and he saw Yoshiki's cheeks were wet. 

"Oh, don't say you started crying... oh please...", he sighed with a heavy heart. Yoshiki really knew how to flame up a drama. 

"Are you crying because I comforted you, or because you are not ill, so people cannot pity you longer?", he said with a sarcastic tone, turning to him and Yoshiki suddenly stopped sniffling. Before he could react on time, he was hit hard by a pillow, right on his face, knocking his sunglasses off. 

"Ouch, this hurt!", the singer hissed, and bent down to catch his sunglasses, when the second pillow hit him on the head again. Toshi growled and picking up both pillows, ran to the hospital bed and started hitting his old friend with the fluffy pillows.

"You want a battle? You want? Yes?"

By the end of the pillow fight, both of them were exhausted and laughing like silly children, making a complete mess of the room, involving the colorful pillows of the sofa, too. 

"Jesus, I haven't had so much fun with pillows since 6th grade", Toshi laughed, trying to catch his breath. They were both crouching on the floor, in the middle of messy pillows and Yoshiki's crimped bedlinen. Yoshiki nodded laughing. It's been a long time since they let themselves be childhood friends again. 

"Do you remember when we had that pillow fight in my room, and we broke the window with the  _chikufujin_? My mother was chasing us with a broom in the garden!", Yoshiki guffawed and Toshi kept nodding.

As their laughter slowly died, Yoshiki lowered his head, his blond locks flowing into his face, partially hiding it from the other's eyes.

"I'm... so sorry for all that happened", he said on a hoarse, trembling voice. "Even... even if hide is just a hallucination, he's right... I should have told you this long ago. I'm such a stupid fool. Thinking that if we don't talk about things,  then those things don't exist. Trying to just pretend that everything is normal. It is not. I miss you. I miss our pranks. I miss your cooking. I miss your honest smiles. When you are around me, it feels it's more out of obligation and... habit... than anything else."

Toshi kept silent, watching a spot on the carpet fervently, not wanting to look at his friend. He also knew how difficult it was for Yoshiki to say all that out loud. The words he himself was longing to hear for so long. 

"I made so many mistakes. Big mistakes". The tears inevitably started flowing and he couldn't stop them. Years of self-blame and self-hatred, suddenly found their way to the surface, cleansing his heart. 

"I should have been there for you. I should have done my best to not let you leave with those people. I should have stopped you somehow. Ask you why, ask you to tell me what happened to you. I didn't. I felt guilty and I... I felt if you told me, it would make me feel even worse. I was selfish. I didn't want to hear about your problems, because it would have hurt _me_ to know you are suffering. I wanted to pretend that nothing happened. That's why... I didn't ask you anything when you came back. Because I was guilty of letting you go. And desperately just wanted to pretend that it's alright not to ask. That it will pass and somehow... everything will be like before. I only cared about my own pain. I'm a selfish monster."

Toshi kept silent for a few minutes, gathering up his own courage to respond. He closed his eyes, and crossed his arms on his chest, not knowing where to put them. 

"I... I was also a fool... I also made mistakes, Yoshiki. I was always causing trouble to X Japan, everyone hated me in the company, I was always bad publicity... And then you suddenly decided we needed to go to America. But I never had enough courage to tell you I didn't want to. I couldn't. I felt... incompetent, unable to break my own restrictive walls. I never felt good enough as a singer, and I ... never had much self-confidence. I became a singer because of you, because you wanted me to. I never really wanted to be on stage. I followed you because... because you are a leader, Yoshiki. You have he ability to convince people to do the impossible for you. And I was enthusiastic - at the beginning. But I slowly realized that I was not cut out to be a rock star. I kept going because I didn't want to disappoint you. Then everything fell apart and inside I was screaming for help but... I couldn't tell you."

Toshi sighed, trying to hold back his tears. Yoshiki still didn't look up. 

"You say you made a mistake that you didn't ask me. I also made a mistake, because I didn't dare to ask you for help. I didn't want to trouble you, or the other members. And I had no one else... My family went astray, my brother almost ruined us financially, and I couldn't ask my best friend to help me. Inside, I was screaming. I felt like I would go crazy. Then.... she appeared and suddenly I felt like I had a way out. It took me a long time to realize that I went to the wrong people for help, but that time.... there were nobody else willing to help me."

Yoshiki pressed his eyes together and swallowed his tears. So many years passed, and there they were still suffering from their past. 

"I'm sorry it took me so long to confess.... Can you forgive me?", he lifted his head up this time, sweeping his hair away from his beautiful face, being again the strong Yoshiki Toshi knew. The singer smiled.

"I survived a brainwashing. I think I'm tough enough now to do this. I forgive you, if you can also forgive me that I was such a coward not to _demand_ help from my bestie." 

They both gently laughed and Yoshiki reached out to embrace his best friend. This time, their embrace was genuinely heartfelt. 

"I start to see the benefit of Western culture", Yoshiki smiled, wiping away remnants of his tears. Toshi raised an eyebrow.

"You know, they always emphasize talk, that you need to sincerely talk about your problems, and stuff", he laughed awkwardly, while standing up from the floor. Toshi also stood up, nodding.

"Yeah, maybe we would have less depressed people in Japan, if our culture embraced honest friendly talks, I agree."

"We should definitely keep it up. And talk more. I mean, not just about music. And not just with you, but, like, all of us. You know?", Yoshiki looked gently at his old friend and Toshi smiled. 

"I'm up for it. Not sure if Pata will be pleased about that, though...". They both chuckled at the thought of Pata listening to all their confessions. 

"He's probably going to choose drowning in whiskey instead!"


	23. Chapter 23

Toshi stepped out of Yoshiki's hospital room with a big grin on his face. For once, he genuinely was happy. After years of a pseudo-friendship they maintained mainly for the band's sake, they really came together and resolved their grievances. As he closed the door, he noticed the young man sitting in the VIP lounge just a few meters away, reading a magazine he probably picked up from the stack on the coffee table. The angelic face struck Toshi, and he froze on the spot, in shock. _Hide?_ Is he also seeing hallucinations now, like Yoshiki?

The young man looked up looking confused and Toshi realized he called hide's name aloud. Those eyes... Toshi trembled. Those were definitely his eyes. The pouting lips, the slender figure. Only his hair was not like how hide used to wear his, this lad had a short, black, modern cut. He put the magazine down, stood up and slowly walked to the singer, who watched him holding his breath back. _A walking hallucination_!

When Ethan heard hide's name and looked up, he noticed Toshi standing at the door of the VIP room, right opposite the lounge. The singer of X Japan looked to be in utter shock and Ethan gave a faint smile. So he did, indeed resemble his father greatly. He decided to walk up to him and introduce himself. At first he didn't intend to get in contact with the band, it would have been awkward trying to email them or write to them saying, _hey, I'm hide's son_ , but this opportunity at the hospital came suddenly and he didn't want to miss it. After all, he really was very curious about his dad, and his mother wouldn't tell him any stories. It was probably too painful for her to remember. 

The hallucination offered a hand and for a moment Toshi was staring at the small, slender fingers, as if seeing a dream. The hallucination looked like a younger, 21st century version of the man he used to know. He glanced back up to the young man's face and saw a shy half-smile, much like what hide would have given him in such a situation. 

"Hi! I'm Ethan Michaels. You are Toshi of X Japan, right?", the boy asked but Toshi was still staring at him in disbelief. He slowly processed the meaning of the English sentences and as if awoken from a dream, he shrug himself and accepted the boy's soft hand, shaking it gently. 

"Ye...yes. Hello. What was your name again?"

"Ethan. ..."

"Oh. Ethan... Yes. I'm sorry for staring you. For a moment I thought... you were someone else", Toshi apologized and Ethan smiled at him, sinking his hands into the pockets of his black jeans.

"Yes, I know. I'm... This sounds crazy but I think you know who I am", he said firmly and Toshi frowned. As the words registered, his pupils widened. He started to think clearly and logically, and remembered what Yoshiki said about wanting to find hide's secret child. Would this be really possible? The boy was around the right age, about 20, and looked like hide's spitting image. But then again... it could be scam, too. 

"Are you saying that...", he began and the boy nodded.

"I only recently discovered it myself. I didn't know who my father was, I was told that he was an American soldier. I thought I was half-blood. I accidentally discovered X Japan on the internet, and I think you can guess what my reaction was when I saw hide's photos. It was crazy. My mom confessed later."

They were now sitting on the couch in the lounge, and Toshi kept staring at the boy's angelic face, the exact copy of hide. Except that this boy didn't speak a word of Japanese, at all.

"Your mom?"

Ethan realized that Toshi was skeptical, and of course, it was understandable. A 20 something dude claims he is the son of your late rock star friend. After all the brainwashing controversies he read about Toshi, he could imagine the singer being really careful. 

"Mika Yamaguchi. That's her maiden name."

Toshi felt his heartbeat quickening. This was indeed the name of hide's last girlfriend. Not many people knew her full name. 

"I know that this sounds crazy, and that you are probably very skeptical. I was, too, but there are too many coincidences in my life. My mom used to take me to hide's grave regularly when I was a child. I never understood why we went there, she never told me whose grave it was. I am certain I saw your drummer once there. It was a rainy day, and thunderbolts were firing, I remember because I'm seriously afraid of thunder and I was glad my mom dragged me away quickly. I guess she was in a hurry because she noticed your drummer standing there watching us."

Toshi felt dizzy. Yoshiki told him the story exactly the same way. The day when he saw what he thought was Mika and a child, rushing away in the rain. This was never a public story, apart from X Japan members nobody knew about it. Toshi felt tears dwelling up in his eyes. Finally, they found hide's child. Or rather, he found them.

"Hide used to hate thunderstorms, too", Toshi mumbled, trying to stop his tears from falling. Ethan was watching his struggling in silence, partially marveling at the fact that his father indeed meant so much to these guys.

Toshi took a deep breath and cleared his throat.

"Ethan, I think you need meet Yoshiki. He been looking to find you for a decade now. If you have some time now, we can go to his room", he offered and Ethan nodded. 

 


	24. Chapter 24

Yoshiki was humming a tune while reading his emails on the laptop, waiting for the hospital to bring in the release papers and his management to pick him up. Since it turned out he had no major issues, it was pointless to stay in the hospital any longer. The emotional reunion with Toshi put him in a good mood, too. He heard knocking at the door and stood up with a smile, expecting a nurse to bring his discharge papers. Instead, it was Toshi who stepped in, and he wasn't alone.

When the boy entered the room, Yoshiki felt like time froze and silence befell his ears. It was like he traveled back in time to 1995, when hide visited him in the hospital, after he collapsed at one of their shows - an early sign of overworking his neck and spine. The boy was wearing ragged jeans, and an oversized knitted black pullover, perfectly something hide would have chosen to wear in private. His face was almost identical to his father's, only his hairstyle looked different. Yoshiki immediately knew that this was the child he had been searching for during the past ten years. For a minute or two, he was unable to speak and just kept staring at the boy, who clearly started to feel a little uncomfortable under his glare. He cleared his throat to speak first, as Toshi grabbed Yoshiki's arm to shake him awake gently.

"Umm.. Hi. By the look of it, I think you know who I am", Ethan smiled gently, now sort of getting used to the reaction. The drummer looked stunned. 

Ethan reached his hand out, much like he did to Toshi before, and introduced himself, shortly telling the story he told Toshi. Yoshiki kept looking him up and down, examining even the last details of his appearance, unable to believe his eyes. Finally, he managed to shake Ethan's hand, with a gentle grip, and then much to the boy's surprise, he turned Ethan's hand upside down and gently stroked the inside of his palm, following the lifeline with his thumb.

"It's... incredible. I know hide's hands like my very own. You have his palm, fingers. But your lifeline is longer. That's good", he mumbled almost incoherently and Toshi had to clear his throat loudly for Yoshiki to actually realize what he was doing. He dropped Ethan's hand in an instant, frightened he might scare the young man with his strange actions. 

"I'm sorry.... Please forgive me... It's... I'm.... I don't know what to say right now. I have been looking for you for so long....", he said, again soaking the sight of the boy in, this time, with a smile on his face.

"It's incredible. I never expected you to look so much like hide... I mean. This is... quite shocking."

Ethan put his hands into his pockets and nodded with an embarrassed smile.

"It's more shocking for me, believe me. I grew up not knowing anything about him. Then suddenly one day a picture comes along and my whole life turns upside down. I started questioning who I am. I have so many things to ask about, I don't even know where to begin...", he said smiling sadly, and Yoshiki nodded. 

"We have a lot of time now to talk. And you should also meet the other members. We can tell you anything you want to know about hide. Anything you are curious about."

Then he suddenly turned to Toshi. "Can you ask the others to meet at my hotel suit? Of course, if Ethan has some time to spend with us", he glanced back at the boy, who hesitated for a moment but then nodded.

"Yeah, I'm free today. Why not?"

Toshi agreed, and left the room to call the other members for a meeting. Yoshiki, once the door closed behind his friend, looked at Ethan and suddenly his cheeks flushed.

"I know... this sounds weird but... Would you.... let me embrace you for a moment? I know... it's... awkward. But.... Can I...?"

The drummer looked like he was about to cry and Ethan hesitantly pulled his hands out of his pockets. 

"Sure..."

Yoshiki looked relieved and with a saddened smile, he pulled the boy into his embrace. That moment, he caught sight of hide standing at the opposite wall of the room. He was smiling, with sadness and happiness mingled in his expressions, and nodded towards Yoshiki, silently mouthing "thank you" in Japanese, and then slowly dispersed in the sunlight. Years of frustration, pain, self-torture and grief broke from his chest as he started sobbing, tightening his embrace on the boy. Ethan felt awkward, this situation was completely new to him, but felt the honest sorrow radiating from the other, and gently tapped his back.

Yoshiki calmed down after a couple of minutes, and released him, apologetically wiping away his tears.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to inconvenience you.... You must think I'm crazy... Just consider me a crazy uncle, okay?", he laughed still embarrassed and Ethan nodded smiling. 

"Okay... No worries. I guess you were really good friends with my father."

Yoshiki heaved a deep sigh to calm and collect himself. 

"Hide... Hideto was much more than just a good friend. I loved him so much."

Ethan raised a curious eyebrow at the statement and Yoshiki genuinely started laughing seeing his facial expression. 

"No, no, don't worry. I don't mean it like that. Hide... he was my soul mate. He knew how to handle me, I'm quite a ... hard nut to crack, you know what I mean? I'm quite bossy and a lot of times, people can't bear me for long", he smiled, as they sat down on the couch. 

"But hide... He always knew what to say, how to shut me up, or calm me down when I was furious. He also knew my music better than I did myself. He understood how my mind works, which is... a feat in itself for anyone... And I also understood him more than anyone else. He was very important to me and when he died... I thought... I wouldn't survive it. It pushed me over the edge and I almost took my own life back then."

Yoshiki looked serious now, his eyes raving into distant memories and Ethan silently listened.

"I don't want to overwhelm you, though", Yoshiki said apologetically. "I am aware that you are not hide. You are yourself, even if you have his genes and .... well, your looks are stunningly similar. I don't want you to think that I want you to be a replacement of him. I'm just.... genuinely, really happy that I found you. Not because a part of you is a part of hide... But because... He would have wanted to know you. To raise you. To give you everything a child can be given", he was whispering now, again with tears in his eyes and Ethan started to feel like he was about to cry, as well.  

"I promised to him at his grave, that if I can find you, I will do everything in my power to take care of you. You are a grown-up young man now, and it's not like I can take up the role of a father... I have no idea what that means, and I'm probably too screwed up for that anyway...", Yoshiki reached out to touch Ethan's hand and squeeze it. 

"I just want you to know that X Japan is now your family, too. Now you will have 5 uncles to have your back, whenever, wherever. I'm sure the others will tell you the same. Because hide was our brother. And our brother's son is family. You understand me?"

Ethan felt tears rolling down on his cheek and he quickly wiped them away clearing his throat. 

"Thank you for saying that. I don't really know yet what to say to this, this whole situation is really like a dream. I would like to take things in small steps, if you don't mind."

Yoshiki smiled, releasing the boy's hand. "No worries. I'm sorry for overwhelming you with my feelings. I will take one step back and not try to act like a spoiling uncle."

They laughed as Toshi entered the room and told them that the others were ready to meet at the hotel. Yoshiki quickly called his manager to cancel any plans for the day and to clear his hotel suit of any staff members. "Just give everyone, and yourself a day off. Go sightseeing, or shopping, or whatever". Ethan was silently grinning as he witnessed "the boss" giving orders, while Toshi was rolling his eyes at the drummer. 

"You're not really giving a good impression to the poor kid", he whispered to Yoshiki in Japanese but Yoshiki shrugged his shoulders smiling. 

"This is who I am. No need to deceive him. I will call Jess to pick us up at the back entrance, I want to avoid media and also company staff. I don't think anyone should know about Ethan's existence, not sure he would want the world to discover him. Let's try to do this as privately as possible.". For once, Toshi agreed without hesitation. 

 


	25. Chapter 25

For long minutes, the members of X Japan were sitting in Yoshiki's spacious private suit room in complete silence. When Toshi called each one of them, and told them that they found hide's son and were on the way to the hotel, they were all shocked. They were each immersed in their own thoughts, wondering about the meeting that would happen soon, reliving memories of hide in the meantime. It's been 20 years, and although the pain of loss subsided and they all went about their own lives, remembering hide this way still brought up long forgotten emotions. It was unlike the ritual remembrance at the concert, that almost became standard process, something fans expected and wanted to see. These silent moments spent thinking about their gone brother were laced with true emotions.

Sugizo was the one to break the silence, sitting on the edge of the large sofa, his legs crossed, his chin resting on his hand. 

"Do you remember the last Extasy Summit where we played with hide?"

Pata gave a naughty smile and bent forward.

"Where you were running around backstage in a thong, singing _Hair_?"

Heath burst out laughing at that remark, which eased the tension of the atmosphere and Sugizo sighed dramatically.

"Just how much longer are you going to tease me for that, Pata-san?"

The guitarist raised his eyebrows cheekily, "Forever, Sugi-chan, for-e-ver". Sugizo chuckled.

"Okay, fair enough. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. Actually, that night, hide and me were talking about having children. I think it was around the time his brother's kid was born. Hide was _raving_ about how cute the baby was and how he wished there would be any woman willing to love him so much to bear him children. I legit thought he was just drunk and joking. I even told him that babies were loud and they shit in your face and how I would never be able to have any. He actually punched me in the face that night."

Sugizo went silent for a moment, and then smiled sadly. 

"It's so ironic how I became a father first, me, the guy who never wanted children, and I got to raise my daughter and come around from the edge of self-destruction because of her, and hide, the one who was actually longing to have children, never got to see his son."

"Everything happens for a reason, I think", Heath replied on a low voice. He rarely spoke, even among themselves. "We cannot change the past, it's useless to torment yourself about it. What matters is that hide-senpai can now rest well, knowing that his child has been found. Let's think about this, and not the sad parts."

"You are right Hiroshi-san. You rarely speak, but when you do, your words are pearls of wisdom", Sugizo nodded cheerfully and Heath blushed. 

"Oh, come on..."

At this point, they heard the footsteps and stood up in expectation. The door opened, and Yoshiki walked in, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, unlike his regular self, followed by Toshi and Jess. Yoshiki held the door and greeted the members with a wide smile. 

"Guys, guys...! Please welcome our dear brother hide's only son, Ethan!"


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looong one :)

Jess was nervous throughout the whole day, ever since she got a message from Yoshiki to pick him up at the back entrance of the hospital, and to bring him "simple clothes" from his closet. She learnt that he instructed the whole staff to leave the hotel and go sightseeing and relaxing. It was strange, because he didn't give an explanation. She got the key to his suit room from Seita, who shrugged his shoulders when she asked him what this was all about, and replied that "probably another of his occasional tantrums" and happily went shopping souvenirs for his kids.

As she entered the luxurious suit, that had a separate living room and bed room, she felt a little intimidated. Her room was an average one, of course since it was a 5 star hotel, she had nothing to complain about, but the scale of luxury of this VIP suit still struck her. Why did celebrities like these places so much? These suits were so artificial and overdone, they screamed loneliness, too. The bedroom part had a corner dedicated to Yoshiki's training equipment: various sizes of dumbbells, a resistance band and a pair of push-up bars. She knew he trained regularly, but she was unaware he also exercised in his room. No wonder he looked so fit for his age.

The bed was unused, since he collapsed at the first night they spent in New York, and was taken to the hospital right away. Glancing at the bedsheets, her cheeks flushed. She couldn't help but think about the night they spent together. Jess shook herself and walked to the other end of the room where Yoshiki's clothes were hanging on hanger racks, not folded into the provided luxurious wardrobe as she expected. 90% of his clothes were plain black, leather and fitting for his "vampire" image. She had to spend quite some time searching, to finally find a pair of plain jeans and a white T-shirt. He didn't have any other colors, apart from a red silk scarf. Jess sighed, and folded the clothes neatly, placing them into a plastic bag. She chose a pair of training shoes, as all other footwear were leather boots. She hesitated whether or not she should get him new underwear, too, but decided against it, although she was tempted to take a look at his collection. 

When she entered his hospital room to give him the items she chose, she was surprised to find this Asian looking boy there, happily chatting with both Yoshiki and Toshi. He looked oddly familiar, though. Then Yoshiki rose and smiled at her, which sent her heart into a beating frenzy. Yoshiki hardly ever smiled at her.

"Hi Jess. Thank you for coming and I'm really sorry for the quick notice."

Did he actually just apologise to her? What on earth is happening? She wondered while she uttered a low key "it's OK, no worries". 

"I called you because... I know I can trust you on this. Some people in my PR company would be really tempted to just notify the media and I don't want accidents like that", he began and when he saw Jess' confusion he smiled again. 

"Ten years ago, at hide's grave, I saw a woman that looked like hide's last girlfriend, holding a boy's hand. And that boy ... he had hide's eyes. I was sure after that incident, that hide had a child. And I wanted to find him. And now... it has really happened. This is Ethan", he motioned towards the boy, who nodded to her gently and offered a hand. 

"Wow. That's ... incredible. Hi, I'm Jess Bright, I'm X Japan's tour manager on this tour", she accepted the hand happily. Now that she had time to observe him closer, he really did resemble the guitarist she only saw on photos and videos before.

"Of course, if you want to keep a low profile, that's perfectly understandable. I brought the clothes you requested", she handed the plastic bag to Yoshiki and he took it with a shy smile. 

"I had to ramage through your clothes. Really, it was quite difficult to find something that doesn't scream 'hello, I'm a top rock star from Japan'", she complained mostly to herself and Ethan chuckled out loud, with Toshi joining in, placing his hand on his mouth. 

Yoshiki looked like his cheeks started to flush and he cleared his throat.

"Um... we are on tour. Of course I have to look like a top star. I don't usually dress in black leather at home."

"No? What do you usually wear at home?", she asked instantly out of honest curiosity, which sent Toshi's eyebrows up and the question was also sudden for Yoshiki. Ethan suppressed a grin, he was quick enough to realize the light tension between the two. 

"Um... Just.... normal things. But... possibly this might not be the right time to discuss that", he mumbled embarrassed, which was a new kind of emotion for him. This woman always made him feel like that and that never happened to him with other women before. He quickly requested that they leave the room for him to change and when he was finally done, they sneaked out of the back entrance, with Ethan showing the way, as he knew the place really well. 

While Jess was driving them to the hotel, she listened to the conversation they had with Ethan and watched Yoshiki dodge his serious celebrity mask and act liberated and light hearted. She never saw him like that, being free of the chains of his profession and just be a normal guy discussing normal things with his friends, without pretence. Her heart started to ache, wishing he could be like that with her, too. She was unaware of Ethan sneaking glances at her reactions while engaging in conversation with everyone.

* * *

As they entered the suit room and the three members of X Japan all came forward to greet Ethan, the room suddenly filled with emotions. Pata, the one person that would never give even a hint of his emotions, shook Ethan's hand with both of his hands, and let his tears fall. This was a shock even to the other members, who never once saw the guitarist cry in their 30 plus years of friendship. He told Ethan in Japanese, how happy he was now and grateful for life that he could still experience this. Heath also looked shaken, although his composure didn't change. He did smile a lot more than usually, his deep eyes filled with affection. Sugizo immediately assumed the role of the 'favourite uncle', cracking everyone up. 

Yoshiki naturally became the translator for the night, though Pata cheekily noted to Ethan that now he had no choice, he had to study Japanese. Jess sat silently in the haphazard circle they created in the middle of the room, sitting on the floor in Japanese style, drinking and snacking on Japanese food they ordered from a local restaurant. This was Ethan's night, finally he got his chance to ask all the questions and listen to all the stories about his father. Yoshiki was shining, radiating happiness, he even looked younger than before. Jess didn't notice that she had left her eyes wandering on him quite a few times that night, unconsciously smiling at his happy, bubbly demeanour. 

"So, you cannot play an instrument?", Sugizo asked as they were drinking beer, and Ethan was telling them about his life in the US. 

Ethan shook his had sadly.

"No. My mom was totally against me learning to play anything. I had the interest but she never let me do it. I guess... she was afraid of me becoming a musician."

Pata heaved a deep sigh and nodded. "That's understandable. You also don't really drink much, I see"

"Yeah, I'm not a big fan of alcohol. Mom is really strict, you see...", he smiled a little embarrassed but Yoshiki patted his back.

"No worries. She wants the best for you. And .... you know, your dad drank too much. Really. He was prone to accidents when he was drunk. I guess your mom was just afraid of..."

"Losing me too?", Ethan asked back and the room became silent. 

"Yeah I guess it is the case. But you see, even though I may look like him, I'm completely different in many things, so she should maybe trust me a little more."

"Maybe you should talk to her about this, how you feel.", Jess said suddenly, for the first time during the night. Ethan smiled back at her.

"I mean, I know it's difficult for her, but this is your life. You may want to become a doctor, but if you like music so much and want to learn an instrument, you should go for it. You don't need to be a professional. Your mom wil learn to cope eventually. We all have only one life to do what we really like to. You are surrounded by people who are doing what they love to do. There is no reason why you should not, " she finished up her beer and winked at the boy. Ethan laughed.

"Do you also do what you always wanted?"

Jess nodded. "Yes. I always wanted to work with bands, in the backstage, organizing stuff. It's my kind of jam. I got stern looks from my parents, too. But I couldn't care less. This is my life, and I will live it the way I want, with no regrets."

"Cheers to the woman who knows no fear", Yoshiki lifted his can of beer at her, a little tipsy now. "She is... quite a sensation".

He probably meant it as a compliment but Jess somehow felt a little offended at the way he said it. The atmosphere now became awkward and she decided it was time to leave. She excused herself, though the members tried to hold her back and make her drink some more, she insisted on going back to her room. 

* * *

After spending nearly 4 hours with the band, Ethan now felt much more relaxed, he really felt like he suddenly got to have five really cool uncles. When the members left for their rooms eventually, Yoshiki insisted on calling a taxi for him, and pay the fare. They exchanged phone numbers and address and Yoshiki made him promise that they would meet again soon. He also invited him to the other concerts of the tour, but Ethan had to decline. He had university to attend to. As they were waiting for the taxi, standing at the large windows of the suit room, watching the amazingnight view, Ethan cleared his throat.

"Thank you for everything, really. This means so much to me, that I finally found my roots. I always felt a little empty and I didn't know why."

Yoshiki gently squeezed Ethan's shoulder.

"No need to thank me. I'm just really happy that we finally met. It's like I can finally repay my debt to hide. My heart is a little easier now."

Ethan lowered his head a little and hesitated, whether to say it but decided that he had to tell him, as a form of gratitude for Yoshiki's openness about his father.

"I know I'm really young and ... this might even sound a little offensive maybe ... but I just wanted to share what I think. If... you think it is bullshit, just ignore me, ok?"

Yoshiki raised his eyebrows. "What is it?"

"This lady, Jess..."

"Yes? What about her?"

"I think the tension between you two is palpable. Not sure what's going on but... I felt like there was something between you two."

Yoshiki was taken aback at the boy's words. How can a 20 year old lad see what even he himself noticed only very recently? 

"I mean, it's really none of my business. But you did so much for me now, and I wanted to somehow ... just maybe... help you a little, too. I'm not a doctor yet, far from it, I need to learn so much more. Neurology is one major I am interested in, but the other is psychology. I cannot give medical advice, of course and I may well be wrong.... but... after reading about your background, and also based on what we all talked about tonight... I think you are being really harsh on yourself. To me, it feels like you are carrying your father's death and my dad's death as some kind of self-punishment. You would need to let this go to be able to move on. And Jess... I may be wrong but ... I think she has deep feelings for you, and you are also not unaffected by her, so... If you take an advice from a doctor-to-be, I'd say, your mental health could improve a lot, if you gave a chance to love. And just go with the flow. Umm.. really, not trying to intrude in your life, or anything. Just ignore me, if this all doesn't make sense to you."

Ethan glanced at Yoshiki's profile, his eyes were closed, as if sleeping, as he was standing next to him, with his hands in his pockets. Finally, Yoshiki heaved a deep sigh and opened his eyes. To Ethan's surprise, his eyes were smiling.

"It actually makes a lot of sense."

He suddenly hugged Ethan, and squeezed him quite hard, smiling.

"You know, this may sound like I am a lunatic, but your father told me the same thing yesterday". 


	27. Chapter 27

"Do you see him right now, too?", Ethan asked, after Yoshiki confessed to him about seeing hide in the past few weeks. 

Yoshiki shook his head. 

"It's kind of strange, but since I hugged you at the hospital, he didn't reappear. And... the only other time I didn't see him was when I was with Jess. Whenever she was around me, hide was nowhere."

Ethan fell deep into thoughts, listening to Yoshiki, knitting his eyebrows.

"I was advised to look for a psychologist", Yoshiki laughed a little nervously and Ethan smiled.

"Well, it could be your subconscious, it could be repressed feelings that manifest itself, it can be a lot of things. I'm almost certain it's not a ghost, though", Ethan chuckled reassuringly.

"Seeing that the image has gone since we met, it well can be that you were repressing emotions so much that your subconscious started rebelling against you, and project the problems this way. And then these emotional issues got resolved, and this is why the projection stopped. But .... as I said, I'm not yet a doctor, so... don't take my reading for granted."

Yoshiki nodded, when his phone started to buzz. 

"Oh, the taxi is here", he mumbled, as he took a look at the taxi app. Ethan offered his hand, but got another hug instead of a handshake.

"Forgive this old bloke but ... I don't want to be so formal with you. Forget the handshakes. You're my nephew now!"

Ethan couldn't help but chuckle and nodded. "Okay. See you later, then, Uncle Yoshiki", he emphasized the latter part cheekily and waved goodbye. 

 

* * *

_Could you please come to my room now? We need to talk._

Jess was staring at her mobile, re-reading the message for the hundredth time, unsure what to do. Even if she was an employee, she had working hours. There was no reason for her to obey a call at 2 am in the morning, no boss could ever retaliate this, she had her rights. She could just pretend to be asleep. But she knew that Yoshiki wasn't asking her to come over because of work. And he also sensed that she would be still awake. She can ignore it, pretend that nothing ever happened between them, and be a cold and pragmatic employee next morning, doing what she was paid to do: handle a world tour. 

She heaved a deep sigh and walked to her door. She realized it would be useless to pretend. She gave herself away when she was crying out of her mind over his unconscious body. They had to talk and she tried to prepare herself for the harsh reality Yoshiki of X Japan would present to her.

She knocked on the suit door and it almost immediately opened, as if he were already waiting for her. He was still dressed in those pair of jeans and t-shirt she chose from his wardrobe, his blond hair casually flowing around his makeupless face. He still looked beautiful and incredibly young for his age. He gave an awkward smile and stepped away from the doorway to let her in with a hand gesture. She squeezed her lips together, and entered with a slight nod.

He offered her a seat on the couch and she accepted. To her surprise, he didn't sit next to her, but sat down on the floor cross-legged, right in front of her, though at a little distance.

"This is .... not very easy for me .... so.... please bear with me, ok? I'm not really used to these kind of situations", he began on a soft, low voice, and then bent his head to the side a little, and watched her with a little smile appearing at the corner of his lips. Jess felt her heartbeat quickening. Why is it that a single glance could induce such feelings in her? She wetted her lips with her tongue nervously, but could not reply to him.

"I know... that I have been really harsh with you", he continued slowly, absent-mindedly beginning to play with his hair, as he always did when he was feeling a little uncomfortable.

"It's because... you confuse me."

Jess looked up, and their eyes met. Confuse him? How? Jess frowned and Yoshiki started biting his lips.

"I'm... I don't really... have a lot of experience with women."

Realizing how strange that must have sounded in English, he giggled softly. 

"I mean... Of course I had women, and relationships and such but... never anything... deep. They were always superficial relationships. For me, music has been everything. Everything I ever lived for. Love is something I might recite in a lyrics but .... not something I ever experienced."

His eyes became dreamy and sad at the same time and Jess gulped. 

"You mean... you have never been in love? Your entire life?", she whispered and Yoshiki nodded. 

"Yes. That's what I mean. .... It was never a priority and I never paid attention."

"And this is why you confused me. Because... I don't know what these feelings in me are. I'm clueless, frankly". He lowered his head at this point, letting his hands fall into his lap. 

"The only thing I know is that I like being around you. I like seeing you. I feel good, when you are with me. And that night... I felt like ... a wanderer... who comes home for the first time in decades. Somehow... I felt like I belonged there."

Jess felt like the room started spinning around her. That's not the talk she was expecting. She expected him to be cool and distant, to firmly tell her to mind her own business and not charish ridiculous feelings for a rock star. Was he actually confessing to her right now?

"Are you all right? You beame really pale.", he rose from the floor and sat down right next to her, lifting her chin up with his fingers. The touch of his skin on hers sent electric shockwaves around her body and made her tremble. She tried to clear her head and move away a little from him, so she almost jumped from te couch, embracing herself with her arms.

"I'm not sure how to interpret what you are saying... You've been ice cold with me most of the time, except for.... that night and ... today."

Yoshiki remained seated and slowly nodded. 

"I know. I haven't been really good with emotions, you can ask Toshi about this....", he smiled sadly. 

"I'm trying to change this. I don't know... something just clicked in me recently. Something changed in me. Maybe it has something to do with me seeing hide all the time. For the past few weeks, I have seen him everyhwere - except when I was with you. Maybe that was a sign already. I'm not crazy, please believe me". He whispered the last words and his eyes were full of emotions, almost begging. 

"I know you are not crazy. Just seriously messed up., she replied, trying to hold on to her sanity a little longer.

To her surprise, he gently laughed.

"I definitely am messed up. Yeah." 

He stood up and walked to her, gently cupping her face in his hands. 

"I just hope you can accept that. Me being messed up and all. Because I want to try and be a little.... normal again. Would you give me a chance...?", he asked softly, his eyes questioning and hopeful. 

Jess felt her heart beating faster and faster as she realized the meaning of his words and her eyes filled with tears.

"If you can squeeze me in between two recordings and a world tour...", she replied smiling and Yoshiki gave a soft laughter. 

"I'll try my best."

 

* * *

 They ended up tangled between the luxury sheets of Yoshiki's king sized bed and he could not stop kissing her. Even now, that they were resting, his lips were all over her skin, making her groan softly. 

"It's almost 5 in the morning... we should sleep a little. Chicago awaits...", she tried to reason and Yoshiki mumbled something incoherent in Japanese, hugging her tighter.

"What does that mean?"

"That I want to stop being a rock star for tonight and just be your lover", he lifted his head and grinned. Jess laced her fingers through his hair and laughed. 

"Suure, that is what it means. And you had to mumble this into my breasts in Japanese?"

"Mmm."

"You need to teach me some dirty Japanese words."

Yoshiki looked up half-surprised and Jess winked at him. "These things are not in textbooks, you know? I always wanted to learn the dirty stuff and now I have teacher, so..."

"A teacher?"

"Yes... Yoshiki-sensei", she giggled like a teenager, prompting him to blush. 

"Oh well, I might as well teach you some things, then...", he replied in Japanese, pulling her on top of him. 

 


	28. Last Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic. :)

"Daddy, I want to swing!", Kei pouted adorably, pointing at the red swing in the middle of the playground, and grabbed Yoshiki's hand, pulling him towards the desired direction. 

"Hey, hey, wait a second, little munchkin," Jess protested, pulling him back to fix his sholeaces. A second after she tied them, Kei was already running off, pulling his daddy with him, who was helplessly grinning at Jess.

"Like father, like son," Jess mumbled as she was sitting by the playground, watching Yoshiki placing their son into the swing. Kei was restless, just like Yoshiki, always rumbling around and making trouble, but at the same time enchanting people with his beauty and his intelligence. At only 3 years old, he already held the entire X Japan crew by his little fingers, especially melting "Uncle Totti" - Toshi's  heart with whom he loved learning to make meals. 

They decided to settle in Tokyo a few months back, because Kei wasn't learning any Japanese properly, with Yoshiki always being surrounded by English-speaking friends. Jess was firm in her belief that Kei had to get familiar with Japan as much as with America, and Yoshiki finally gave in, moving his work base from LA to Tokyo. Toshi visited them quite often since then, and Kei was just in love with his personalized mini cooking shows. Jess still chuckled when she thought of Toshi wearing the Totoro apron that Kei chose for him as a birthday present.

* * *

It was a miracle for him, and he was so very grateful for fate, for finally giving him the chance to settle his soul and heal his wounds. He never thought about having a family, mainly because he had a screwed up image of himself, and let his mind carry the pain of growing up without a father. He thought he could never imagine himself as a father. When Jess started melting the ice walls around his heart, he still wasn't sure if he were capable of maintaining a 'normal' life. To be an average guy, to restrict his working hours and try to live like anyone else. 

Jess made it possible, she didn't rush him. Although they became a couple during the world tour, she didn't ask him anything. Didn't want love confessions, didn't demand attention. But she did, in a very clever way, start to sneak more of herself into his life. She would visit him unexpectedly at the studio, bringing him _bento_ lunch boxes. At first, he would just tell her to leave it on the table and she did. But later, he started to actually try her new creations right on the spot, and while they talked during the meal, after a while he noticed, he would take an hour long lunch break to be with her. A few months later, he would even go as far as to drive home, now to their shared apartment, to have lunch or dinner together, depending on both of their schedules. She would request fairly unusual things of him, like to help with hoovering the carpet, or if he could fix the dripping tap. 

He would at first be totally taken aback at such requests. Him, touching a hoover? How do you even fix a tap? Why not call a specialist? But she was cunning, saying things like, "I like watching my man fixing the tap in underwear", winking at him. And that would instantly do the trick. And he would look up guides and DIY videos on Youtube and fix the damn tap, in only his underwear. Of course, she had to pay the price later, which she gladly did. After a while, he did realize that her little meddling and tricks all served the purpose of teaching him how to be "just a guy", just a normal partner for a woman, and he felt so happy and satisfied like never before. She was so smart, and so beautiful, and for some odd reason, she loved him. 

Kei came unexpectedly, they were not planning to have a child, but it happened. Yoshiki was at first frightened, all of his issues, that he thought he had solved, came up again, the self-blaming, the nightmares, the pain. He was scared beyond words, and it took Jess several weeks to make him understand that he was not the same as his father. 

"You are making your own choices. Your father chose to leave you alone, you can choose to be there for our baby. You are living your own life, and walking your own path, let go of your father's fate."

And he did. And when Kei arrived, on 13 December, hide's birthday, Yoshiki cried like he never cried before. Ethan was there, he was doing residency in the hospital where Jess gave birth. He chose psychology as his major, and actually helped Yoshiki a lot with his insightful comments and calm demeanour. He also started learning Japanese and a few months after the tour ended, visited hide's grave together with the members of X Japan. His mother refused to go, although she came to terms with her son being interested in his father's legacy. 

"Higher, higher!", Kei demanded excitedly and Yoshiki laughed out loud. His son was his own spitting image, at least in terms of his personality. He pushed the swing a little harder, provoking loud giggles from his 3 year old, when he saw him again. Hide. For years, the images he thought were hallucinations, were gone. And now, there he was again, standing under the cherry blossom tree at the opposite end of the playground, casually leaning against the trunk, watching the swinging boy with a smile. His eyes were dreamy as he lifted them to Yoshiki's face and slowly nodded, his smile becoming wider and sweeter. 

Yoshiki felt tears dropping from his eyes, sliding down his cheeks, as he froze for a moment, suddenly remembering his dream from years ago. The dream of hide standing under a cherry blossom tree, happily watching a little boy swing. He closed his wet eyes for a moment, his heart pounding faster.

That's what he had seen in his dream. The boy hide was watching was Yoshiki's own son. The realization made him shiver, and fell to his knees, clunching his chest. He was never hallucinating. He lifted his head and still saw hide under the cherry tree, smiling at him. 

"Thank you my friend", Yoshiki whispered towards him. "My brother. Because of you, I'm alive again."

Hide nodded and in an instant, he was gone with the sunlight seeping through the branches, and the next thing Yoshiki noticed was Jess kneeling in front of him, looking worried, asking him if he was all right. He nodded, smiling and hugged her tight for a second, and then stood up to lift Kei out of the swing and embrace him. He planted a kiss on his son's forehead and then kissed a confused Jess, smiling. 

"Let's go to Toshi's place. I bet he cooked up something delicious for us!"


End file.
